we love to create

i guess i'm an adult now?

2011-05-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be 30 three days. We're going over to my dad's house for a birthday dinner of my choosing on Thursday (my actual birth day) and on Friday night my mom is coming over to watch Dara while Cam and I go out to dinner at our new favorite, Boot & Shoe Service, then off to meet friends for drinks. A couple of years ago I probably would have been planning a huge party with printed invitations, party dresses and maybe a signature cocktail. While the thought of that party sounds great, the thought of all the planning doesn't. And, to be honest, I don't really have enough friends to fill a big party. The most important person in my life, who I want to spend an evening with without focusing on our child is Cam, my husband. I am so looking forward to celebrating both of us, as adults in our new life as 30-somethings.

I've decided that 2011 is the year I will finally accept that I am great and I can do whatever I want to. It is very hard for me to push myself professionally and creatively—to find new clients and tell them how much better off they'll be if they hire me. I don't like to convince people. It feels weird and vaguely immodest to talk about my work and how great I am. What I need is a shift in my thinking, to realize that it's not about bragging, just simply informing people. Because not everyone knows me and if they knew me, if I gave them a chance to know me, they would see how great I am and want to work with me. (Related: I recently got a new client (via my great friend Holly) who told me on the phone that she thought my portfolio was great. Great! It was the first time someone who wasn't a friend or family complimented my work and I thought to myself: "Wow, maybe they're all right. Maybe I am good.")

So, I've been thinking about turning 30 and how that's supposed to be a big marker in one's life. Becoming an adult and all that. And how it really doesn't feel like that big of a deal to me. In fact, birthday's were always super special to me because they are the one day when I can truly be a princess and accept free coffees, compliments, and other special things—because "it's my birthday". Now that my focus has shifted off of myself and onto my kid, I almost forgot about my birthday.

I am thinking about putting myself and my creativity out there more. I'm thinking about trying more, allowing myself to make mistakes more. To use comic sans if it fits the project (ok, maybe not that extreme.) Ultimately, I think it's having Dara and knowing that she looks to me as an example of womanhood that is driving me to live my life to the fullest. To love my body (tummy-roll and all). To be healthy. To love my work. To create, to make mistakes, to learn. All these things will make me a better person, make me more happy and satisfied with life and in turn—show Dara that it's all possible.

With all these things on my mind, the following posts have inspired me and been bubbling around in the back of my mind:

via Anna at Door Sixteen "See, here’s the thing: ANYTHING that gets people to be more observant of their surroundings and helps them to not be afraid to experiment with expressing themselves visually is GOOD. It’s easy for a designer to roll their eyes when a “commoner” (heh) decides to play around with type and design their own book cover."

via Joy at Oh Joy! "I understand now why people always say that it just gets better with age. A lot of that stress, anxiety, and lack of confidence about who you are and who you want to be just gets less and less."

via an email response from Jordan at Oh Happy Day! (who is living the dream and is a daily inspiration to me) "I think there is something to just creating (and working) as much as you can. Even if its not great at first. That's how you get better. I always hate 50% of the stuff I do but you have to creat it all tho get the 50% I do like."

time after time

2011-05-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

I think about writing in this blog all the time. Really. Stuff happens and I write the post in my head, carefully choosing my adjectives and adverbs to best describe what's happening and how I feel about it and then I try to tie it all up in a neat bow of lessons learned.

Thoughts are so quick. So instant. Actually sitting down and writing? Damn it takes forever! Writing, editing, choosing photos, cropping photos, uploading... an hour later and I'm thinking: I could have just cleaned the kitchen / folded laundry / worked on freelance projects / watched another episode of Glee. Now Dara's awake and my free time is over.

My biggest struggle is with time and energy, they are entangled for me. I have so many things I want to do and don't want to do, but have to do otherwise we'd be living in squalor. It's such a cliche to say, "before kids...", but it's true! Before kids you could do for you. You don't have to stop and change a diaper, sit and feed someone lunch, hug, cuddle, play on the floor, read a book, walk around... kids need attention and attention takes time and energy. Time and energy away from everything else. So slowly, so you have to prioritize what's most important and for me—that's cleaning up dirty dishes, folding laundry and putting all our crap back in its place. After that comes any work commitments I've made. After that comes a choice: mindless relaxation or crafting (sewing, fun personal design stuff, photo books, etc.) Usually the TV wins, if I haven't passed out on the couch already.

Of course I love playing with, hugging, feeding and generally being a mama to Dara. I LOVE IT! When I am away from her I pine for her. I look at her pictures in my phone and hear her sweet little voice in my head say, "No" (her favorite word right now.) I am also exhausted by all this love and attention giving and getting. I catch myself fantasizing about a week long staycation where someone else can take care of Dara during the day and I can really deep-clean the house, organize and pack up stuff to give away. Then move onto my long list of creative projects and actually start one! And maybe even finish a couple that have been sitting, half-completed on the shelf since 2009.

This is what parenting does to you. You fantasize about all the stuff you took for granted before your kid was in your life. I realize in a few years Dara will be old enough to play on her own, make her own snacks and won't be interested in my hugs and kisses. Then I'll be the one following her around asking to play with her. Maybe...after I clean the bathroom.

chillin in the backyard

2011-05-04T15:18:00.000-07:00

stage two

2011-04-21T15:43:00.000-07:00

Dara seems to have grown into a toddler overnight. That's usually how it goes around here. I don't notice that she's gearing up for a growth spurt like some of my friends (who are also parents) do. It's not like I think to myself: Dara seems to be eating more, hmm...She's napping more/less—I wonder if she'll go through a growth spurt soon? It's more like: Oh, so she's talking now and all her pants are too short. Time for mama to catch up.

She likes to identify everything. Bird! Book! Chair! She'll look at me waiting for me to acknowledge and repeat it back to her. Yes, that's a bird! Yes, that's your book! Yes, mama and Dara are sitting in chairs! It is thrilling and exhausting.

She knows how to pry off the battery cover from the remote control, Xbox controller and how to unlock my phone. She freaks out with excitement when waiting for her favorite TV show to load on Netflix (Pingu!) She knows when she's not supposed to be doing something and will usually stop if I ask her nicely. Sometimes she'll look at Cam or I while she's being naughty—as if she's waiting for us to catch her.

She likes to pick up minuscule bits of trash off the floor (grains of rice, fuzz, produce stickers...) and give it to me. I usually tell her to go throw it away and she'll walk over to the kitchen and throw it in the trash. No playing in the trash. Just throw it away. I think that's a pretty neat trick.

She has always taken two naps a day, two hours in the morning and at least and hour or two in the afternoon. Now it's more like 90min in the morning and maybe nothing in the afternoon. She continues to shut-it-down at 7:45pm every evening.

Lately she's been waking up at 5:45-6am in the morning, calling out: "Mama. Mama? Mama!" I drag myself out of my bed, into her room and she yelps: "Hi! Bo-bo?" (Her word for nursing.) If I try to put her back to sleep she cries: "No! Out dere" and points to our bedroom. Usually I don't fight it, because I know it's a loosing battle. I just hug her close and carry her back to bed with me. There she nurses, and hopefully falls back asleep under the covers, sandwiched between her mama and papa.

Both Cam and I have limited working hours right now, so all three of us are together often. Cam and I have both noticed that Dara will ask for the missing parent when they're not there. She likes all three of us together, as do we. We both realize that we're incredibly lucky to have had all this time to spend together. Both of us have been able to enjoy her infancy and early toddlerhood with her. When I was first pregnant I hated the idea of sending her to daycare as a little baby and I am so happy we've been able to nurture her this way. I know it's not right for everyone, but it's felt so right for us. We're a close knit gang.

friday

2011-02-26T10:31:00.000-08:00

New power ring, handsome husband. (I'm wearing my wedding band on my middle-finger because I have a weird rash on my ring finger...boo.)

girls

2011-02-23T14:42:00.000-08:00

So, I'm reading my favorite blog 'mimi smartypants' and get to this:

2. Nora and her new short hair had a first instance of other people’s gender normativity the other day, when some seventh-grade girls told her she must be in the wrong bathroom. I felt weirdly outraged on her behalf but kept my cool, because I don’t like telling her how to feel about stuff.
Me: What did you say?
Nora: I just told them, “No, I’m a girl.” Then they started whispering.
Me [getting slightly steamed]: Did that bug you?
Nora: No. They were probably whispering because they were embarrassed to have made a mistake.
I somewhat doubt that interpretation, but Nora seems wholly unflappable at the prospect of anyone’s confusion, wholly certain of her girlhood, and wholly in love with her short hair. Long may she continue to rock.

Wow. Awesome. Then, I thought of this show (Our America with Lisa Ling), which I caught a preview of on Oprah yesterday. The preview was of Hailey, an eight year old transgender girl, who has been living as a girl since she was about three years old. Her parents are inspirational. They showed how listening and trusting your child can empower them and help everyone to live their most happy life. (Even though it can be confusing and incredibly difficult to go against what society says should be happening.)

I wonder about the days when Dara will start talking—what will she say? And when she starts to become self-aware—what will she think? I want to encourage her to be herself, but I know how hard it is to keep one's own self out of advice. How else does one give advice than through one's own experience? I consciously practice listening to her, rather than telling her what I think she's feeling. For example, if she falls down or cries, rather than say "you're ok," I ask her if she needs help, or if she's ok, or I just don't say anything at all. I wait for her to approach me.

Right now her dad and I are the only forces in her life, but as she gets older friends, tv, magazines, and society at large will creep in and start pressuring her to be a certain way. I just want to help guide her to her own successes and remember to learn from her as she learns from me.

portlandia

2011-02-23T13:59:00.000-08:00

learning to use a fork

2011-02-15T14:14:00.000-08:00

short hair 4ever

2011-02-14T10:38:00.000-08:00

Growing up I always had pretty long hair, at least shoulder length. All girls in my town did. In high school every girl had long hair and we all wore them in ponytails. Boooring! Summer before senior year, my family took a road-trip up the west coast and on our way back we stopped in Seattle to visit with family friends. My mom encouraged me and I took the plunge and cut off all my hair. Short. Super short. I loved it! I had no idea how to style it (the only product I knew of was gel and I applied it liberally) and pictures of me from the time now make me cringe. Ever since then I've kept it short—growing it out to an ear-length bob at the longest. Then, after Dara was born, I got this crazy idea that I would grow it out long and luxurious (like a Kardashian). The whole time I was constantly trying to pin it back, get it into a ponytail or somehow keep it off my face. I felt dowdy, plain and basically unattractive. So, I cut it all off again and now I feel fabulous.

My mom had short hair for most of my childhood. When I look at myself in the mirror I see her and I feel even more beautiful. (Isn't she fabulous? That picture was taken in 1990 (full version) and I remember her picking out the outfits my brother and I would wear from the Gap. I thought it was so cool that 1) we all matched and 2) I was wearing a vest! Le sigh.)

Dreaming of baguettes and dresses

2011-02-08T10:49:00.000-08:00

I have been dreaming of two things ever since we booked our tickets; 1.what kind of food I'll eat there (cheese! bread! chocolate! all three in one!) and 2.what I'll wear while I'm there. This will not be like traveling through Thailand and Laos, where I wore the same pair of shorts every single day (I'm not kidding.) Paris is the fashion capitol of the world! I said to Cam this morning, on the drive to work, that we're going to have to "step it up" fashion-wise when we go to Paris. He laughed and agreed with me. Glad we're on the same page with that.

I subscribe to the Anthropologie emails not because I shop there (I feel like I can't afford it), but because the designs can be really great and I sometimes like to tuck them away for future inspiration. This morning I loved the outfit they were featuring so much I actually clicked into Anthro.com. Hello beautiful! I absolutely love three of the "featured" outfits. I started to click through to the individual pages and then realized I'm at work and should probably get back to it... or something productive at least. ;) Maybe I'll head over to the store during lunch and try some stuff on.

(Left to right: A / B / C)

Nous allons à Paris!

2011-01-22T13:35:00.001-08:00

We bought tickets to Paris yesterday. Using frequent flier miles we've accumulated and saved over the last ten (!) years. We'll be traveling October 26–November 16, 2011—three weeks! I wish it were sooner, but this gives me plenty of time to plan. And daydream. And save! (Maybe that one should be first on the list.)

Mom2Dara

2010-09-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

You know what kind of annoys me? When people create user names like; "Momof2girls:)" or "iluvmykidz" or something else that implies their whole identity emerged once they had babies. It's true that being a mother is very special to me and at times can feel all-consuming of my energy, but if anything—having Dara has helped me clarify who I want to be as a woman.

Lately I've been thinking of weaning. I know Dara isn't ready to stop breast feeding and honestly—I'm not either. But, I think about having my body back to myself. She has gotten so brazen in her ownership of my breasts that she will crawl over to me, pull my shirt up and latch on. I used to be able to hang out naked if I wanted to—now I don't dare stop to kiss her on my way from the shower to the bedroom lest I set off cries of hunger. Which reminds me: our baby girl can eat! Adult sized portions of oatmeal and two hours later she has a bowl of mac-n-cheese, then some cherrios. Like mother, like daughter.

I wonder if other mother's encounter the same mentality in their babies (breast = mine) and that leads them to wean. I've always said I would let Dara wean herself. I figured she would start to become disinterested and it would be an easy, though probably gradual process. I love breast feeding. I think it's one of my most important duties as a mother and after all the struggle and pain in the beginning I'm proud of how easily she latches on now. So, I don't want to stop entirely, I just need to set some boundaries. Instead of her getting to eat on demand (like she did as an infant), she will nurse when I offer it. Seems like a nice compromise—right? We'll see how it goes...

favorite pastime

2010-08-31T11:06:00.000-07:00

drawing

2010-08-18T18:09:00.000-07:00

Almost a month since my last post! Let's see...

Dara is: getting into everything, eating like a teenager, shaking her head "no" to just about everything (even when she means "yes"), still not sleeping through the night, babbling constantly, laughing at everything, did I say getting into everything?

I am: getting ready for my last day at work (August 31, I was laid off), sewing more, delirious from lack of sleep, taking morning walks around the lake, wishing summer would get here already, dreaming of a Hawaiian vacation, eating lots of banh mi (grilled pork).

Cam is: producing music videos, working on our deck garden, teaching Dara to shake her head "no" and generally plotting to take over the world.

if there was ever a question of paternity

2010-07-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

Cheek's McGee on the right!

sleepy time

2010-07-02T10:20:00.000-07:00

Dara slept through the night, only waking once (at 4am), last night. I put her down at 8:30pm. I went to bed at 10:30pm. I woke up to her cries, which are actually more like, "Hey mom, I'm kinda hungry and confused and sitting up in my crib. Will you come comfort me?" at 4am and nursed her for about 10 minutes until she fell back asleep. I then went back to bed and was so excited it took me half an hour to get back to sleep.

I have been waiting for Dara to reach this milestone for what seems like forEVER. The weeks that turned into months right after her birth are a blur of sleep and feeding and sleep and wanting to sleep more. Breastfeeding has always been important to me and I feed my baby when she's hungry. If that happens to be at 8pm, then 11pm, then 1am, and then 4am... well, I'm freaking tired, but she needs the nourishment. Even if she doesn't really need the calories, she needs the comfort. She needs her mama or her papa to come hold her and reassure her that she's safe.

The night waking thing is complicated. On one hand I'm tired of it (ha!) and wish she would go to sleep at 8pm and wake up 12 hours later. She's had a head cold for the past couple weeks and during the worst of it, when she was so stuffed up she couldn't breath out of her nose, she was waking up every hour, crying for me to come help her. That sucked. Because I was dog tired and because I couldn't really do much for her other than nurse her. She hated the nose suction thingy ("who wouldn't?" my mom asked. she has a point.), there are no decongestant drugs available for babies—only homeopathic pills; that seem to work, but Dara hates to take them when she's half-asleep and frustrated that she can't breath. Again—who can blame her? And, because I would lay in bed, after nursing her back down, listening to her cough and think: does she have whopping cough? Does she have TB? Is she ok? Should I rush her to the emergency room? Am I a good enough mother?

But she's much better now. Her nose is still runny, but she's sleeping much better. Six hours straight! As I nursed her last night (this morning?) I thought: "Wow, I feel really rested after sleeping for 5 hours. She is so beautiful. I love nursing her, holding her close and playing with her soft hair. I hope she continues to sleep like this! Maybe then Cam will move back to the bed (whole other story...another time). But, I don't want to stop nursing her! I love holding her and comforting her at night. I don't want her to grow up! I want to hold her forever. Keep her safe and hear her sweet breath as she lays in my lap."

into everything

2010-06-30T15:02:00.000-07:00

I'm on the left (12-18 months?), Dara is on the right at 9 months.

All of a sudden Dara is into everything. She pulls herself up on the recycling bin and sifts through it looking for paper to chew on. (Yucky! No!) She loves to play in the kitchen and pull all the trays, grocery bags and small pots off the shelves. I've learned to push the heavier stuff back as far is it will go—it's about 3 inches out of her reach. She pulls up on the couch, on her toy bin, in her crib. It must be so exciting for her to learn how to use her body. Can you even imagine learning how to stand up? I wonder if people who were injured and have to re-learn, through physical therapy, how to walk feel a similar sense of wonder and excitement.

daddy

2010-06-28T15:43:00.000-07:00

I was going to write about how we were in Portland over Father's Day and that's why I didn't put a post up, but really, just like all the other posts I write in my head and never get typed out, it didn't happen because life did. Writing takes time. I have to form all my thoughts into coherent sentences and it's not always easy. Not that it should be, or I expect it to be, but—I barely have time to eat after taking care of all my other priorities and writing in my blog isn't the first thing I want to do when I have a free minute. I'm not really sure why I'm even writing all of this. As if I have a huge readership that are waiting with bated breath for my next post.

Here's what's been floating around in my mind: Cam is a totally awesome father. He's a dream. Sometimes my whole life feels like a dream—I am so lucky. Ok, we're not millionaires yet and that's certainly part of my dream, but Cam and I have such a special, supportive, strong relationship that it makes our life so good.

I remember him telling me, when I was pregnant, that he was going to hold our little girl all the time and I shouldn't get jealous. I didn't really understand what he meant at the time. At the time I thought, "but I want to hold her all the time!" Not realizing how wonderful it is to watch your mate hold your child and see love pouring out of their heart, eyes, mind and know that everything he does is for her.

Most of our friends with children have boys. Cam likes to joke that it takes a certain type of man to be a father to a daughter. He's absolutely right. He knows that he's modeling what a man should be. He takes that role very seriously. I hope that, as Dara grows older, she stays close to her daddy. I want her to feel equally comfortable coming to both of us for advice, to share her thoughts and ideas with and to be comforted.

I love you Cam. Thank you for taking your job so seriously and caring for your women so wonderfully.

napping

2010-06-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

There's something about watching your own sleeping baby that's just so special. I guess every time I look at her I feel that surge of love, protection and wonder, but when she's sleeping she looks so angelic and I just want to curl up and snuggle with her.

updates

2010-06-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

We went to Portland for little-sister, Monica's high school graduation. It was awesome. Grandma stuffed Dara full of food and Cam and I actually went out on a date. Alone. Where we drank alcoholic drinks and talked about stuff other than Dara. Though we talked about her too—can't help ourselves.

Dara has a tooth! She only wants to eat what we're eating. Including deli sandwiches.

She is pulling herself up and sitting back down with confidence. The sitting back down took a little while longer than the getting up part. Her favorite place to play is in the kitchen, where we have low shelves that hold all the pots and pans. She loves to pull them out onto the floor. I've started pushing them back as far as possible in the shelves and they're barely out of her reach. I think that buys me a couple weeks.

She's learning how to kiss and often tries to slip us the tongue. It's pretty cute.

She is still the most beautiful, amazing, loving, tender baby in the world. I don't think anyone else will ever be able to top her.

twenty-nine

2010-05-31T17:31:00.000-07:00

Photo by creativeholly

Last Wednesday I turned 29. My first birthday as a mama. When I was young, my Mom claimed she was 29 for several birthdays, I didn't really understand the joke until I was an adult. This was the first birthday I didn't plan for myself. Just friends for dinner with cake and balloons. Cam bought me a pillow with an illustration of California on it, because I am currently obsessed with all things California. Especially the flag.

i love npr

2010-05-12T19:38:00.000-07:00

When I was in college, living alone in a tiny studio in downtown Portland, I didn't have a TV. I know! How did I live? When I wasn't in class, or the studio, or out dancing, or... I listened to NPR. It was then that I fell in love with Terry Gross (Fresh Air) and Ira Glass (This American Life) and many others, whose names I've forgotten (apparently they were only crushes). With my first ipod I discovered podcasts and I never looked back. My current favorite is RadioLab. If you like stories and learning—go listen. (I think that covers everyone. Go now!)

Or, start with this one:

pull-ups

2010-05-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

how do they do it?

2010-05-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

How do the bloggers whose blogs I read find time to be superwomen? To have perfectly clean, organized and "designed" homes? To spend time crafting and baking and homeschooling their children? To make all their kids clothes, to grow a backyard garden and plan fun parties, with matching invites, banners and bingo cards? How do they do maintain a career? How do they do all that and then have time to photograph it, write about it and post it to the internet?

Are they all living in an alternate universe where time goes half-speed? Do they have the ability to stop time? (Remember Out of This World, that show from the '80's about the girl who could stop time by touching her pointer fingers together? I loved that show.)

Recently I've been hit by the overwhelming feeling that it's all too much. I need to stop, to disconnect myself and not feel guilty about it. I love writing here because it helps me to process my feelings about whatever I'm writing about. I constantly start mini-posts, in my head, throughout the day. I don't even get paid for this and I'm worried about posting frequently enough! (Not that I think I should get paid to post, that's a whole other debate. One that I don't even want to think about right now.) My brain has started to record and experience life in bits and bites. What photo will I use to illustrate this memory? How will I describe it? What will I link to? Will it be just an experience, or will I tie in some larger moral to my story?

I don't want to worry about packaging everything nicely. I do that enough with my work. (Which is part of why I love my work—obsessive control over every little detail and the viewers experience of those details.) In my life, right now, I want to relax and play with Dara. I want to eat good food and talk with my husband. I want to go outside and enjoy myself without worrying about anything. Not about where we will live in two years, choosing a nanny for Dara, earning enough money and least of all how I will retell this story online later that night. I want organic. I want messy.

I think I'll go change her diaper.

working on the creating

2010-04-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

milkshakes

2010-04-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time to write right now, but I've got some cutie-pie pictures to share.

About to snuggle in for some dinner.

Excuse me miss, have you had too much to drink?

Ready to hit the galleries!

reminder

2010-04-14T15:42:00.000-07:00

I have the cutest baby on earth.

meat!

2010-04-01T15:03:00.000-07:00

protein + fat = healthy brain! Also: rib bone x unsteady hands = messy, messy baby.

(thank goodness for cellphones that take pictures.)

first foods

2010-03-31T11:40:00.000-07:00

I always thought I would be one of those mama's who breastfeed exclusively until 8-12months. Partly because I feel breastmilk is really the perfect food for little babies and also because I was intimidated by the thought of choosing foods for Dara. I don't really want to use canned baby food, but how to prepare my own at home? Steam, boil or grill? Should I season or leave completely plain? Does everything really need to be mashed beyond recognition?

My friend Lainya (who is a fabulous woman, mother, writer and creative mind) recommended a great book, one that I've since gone on to recommend to just about everyone and anyone with a baby—Real Food for Mother and Baby, by Nina Planck. If you have a baby, are going to have a baby or have a friend with a baby, you should read this book. Nina writes with a casual tone that sounds like a friend giving advice, but she backs up her advice (and the ancient wisdom she seeks to resurrect) with scientific evidence. The book taught me basically everything I know about the nutritional needs of babies. Surprisingly—the foods we typically start babies on now-a-days are not the best for their growing bodies. I felt completely confident introducing solid food (or 'real food') to Dara after reading this book.

Nursing was once difficult, but now it is a joy. I absolutely love my time nursing with Dara. We cuddle close and settle down for a few minutes and are just calm with each other. I love listening to her breath slow, her tiny hands gently caress me and sometimes she will raise her arm up and hook her finger onto my lower lip. It is the most precious thing! At around four months, once she was starting to sit up on her own, she started watching us eat like a hawk. Whereas before she would just sit in her seat and sleep or fiddle with a toy, now she would stare at us as we put bites into our mouths. Eventually she started demanding that we hold her while we eat, so she could lean forward in an attempt to hijack the bite on its way to our mouth. I had heard from many different people that "babies will tell you when they are ready to eat solid food", but it was funny to see it actually happening! I feared giving her anything before six months because I felt her digestive system was too young to process the complex foods we eat.

But, she persisted, so we compromised and started giving her "tastes". We put simple, whole foods in her mouth and allowed her to suck on them a bit before we took them back. Her first was lemon and lime (we eat a lot of pho and both of these fruits are provided at the restaurant.) Then a strawberry. Then soy sauce, teriyaki sauce (I cringe at this one... a little too sweet in my opinion), raw carrots, grilled chicken, orange slice, aged cheddar, hard boiled egg and yogurt. Last night she tried bok choy and loved it! And probably others that I've forgotten. Eventually we stopped taking the food back and let her swallow tiny bits. Our rule is she only gets to eat real food -- vegetables, dairy and meat with minimal seasoning (salt, soy, sesame oil, olive oil, etc.) She doesn't have teeth yet (can't wait for that!), but she loves to eat anyway. She'll just suck and gum pieces that are too big to swallow.

Sometimes I can't believe we've made it this far. In only six months. To go from a tiny, squishy little lump that didn't do much besides eat, sleep and poop, to a baby girl who talks to us, crawls (yes! it's crazy.) and is eating the same food we do. This really is an amazing journey.

then & now

2010-03-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

1 week | 5 1/2 months

please let me out

2010-03-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

check-list

2010-03-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

Dara will be 6 months old this Friday! My little tiny baby is not so tiny anymore. But, as my mama always tells me—she'll always be my baby.

In the past two months she's made leaps and bounds in her developments. She can sit up on her own now, though she hasn't figured out how to get out of that position. She rolls over, tummy to back and back to tummy like an old pro. She's just about to crawl. She gets onto all fours and rocks herself forward, or tucks up into "downward dog". This girl does pilates all her waking hours! She is so strong, long and lean.

She laughs now, all the time. She'll just burst out laughing at the most random times. Her smile takes over her face and then I start laughing too. She coos, bubbles, gurgles and shouts. I am so curious about what her first words will be.

She looks and inspects people, things and her surroundings with such intensity of purpose—she amazes me. I wonder what thoughts are in her head. What does she understand? What does she think of this world we live in?

We remain convinced she is a genius.

we love each other (aka: happy 1 year anniversary!)

2010-03-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

Cam and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary this weekend. On March 20th, the first day of Spring. My head spins a little when I think back on this year and recount everything we did, everything we created together—it's hard to believe it's only been one year! I can't remember my life before Cam. (Well, not exactly, but it does feel like a distant memory. Another life, a different chapter. Like, in my life there's B.C. and W.C., Before Cam and With Cam.)

I had wanted to create a beautiful art project for him, to commemorate our achievement, but alas, twas not to be. Instead, I made dinner and did my work and enjoyed the calm moments in between with him on the couch. Life seems to be stabilizing now, 6 months after Dara's arrival. My body is coming back. My routine is getting easier. Both Cam and I are excited by each day and the prospects in our future, even though we are borderline severely sleep deprived. It's a funny thing, sleep deprivation, it annoys me completely when I wake up still tired, but as soon as I see Dara's face it all melts away and I am happy to be here. It's hard to be frustrated at little things, like lack of sleep, when you can see the bigger picture of happiness and satisfaction.

Cam and I tell each other often that we love each other and we love our life together. And, it's true. I absolutely love our life together. I love our daughter. I love our house. I love that we have two completely different ways of seeing the world, that aren't so opposite that we clash and push away from each other, but are more like two magnets—opposite, but drawn towards each other. Cam says some things that make absolutely no sense to me, and I love him for that. Because if I had him all figured out and he never challenged me, there would be no reason to go on together. I love our life together because we create something interesting and new every day, even if it's just dinner.

I love you Cam. 4ever!

then & now

2010-03-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

40 weeks | 4 1/2 months

pure love

2010-03-03T14:11:00.000-08:00

This photo is so beautiful to me.

Photo by: Inferis, found via PhD in Parenting.

Dara has been sleeping in her crib at night for the past few weeks and it's going very well. It was hard at first—for me. I think I cried more than she did on the first night. I LOVED sleeping with her. Cuddling and nursing her to sleep. Listening to her tiny breath and waking to her rosy cheeks and matted hair. Mmm, I'm getting misty-eyed just thinking about it.

It was time for her to move into her own bed though. She had begun to nurse all night long, not because she was hungry, just because it felt good. She would toss and turn, trying to get comfortable (just like me!), which would wake me, at which point I would try to nurse her back down when all she really needed was some space to spread out and do it on her own. So we put her in her crib and after a few nights of crying and soothing for hours, she got the hang of it. We never resorted to letting her 'cry it out', but we did give her enough space to learn that she can cry a little and soothe herself without the boob. I started winding her down at 8:30pm every night—change into pajamas, sing quiet songs, roll around on the ground—then we nurse around 9:30 and she's asleep by 10! Now she starts rubbing her eyes around 8pm every night. It's magical! She may wake around 4am and want to feed, or she'll sleep until 8am when we all get up.

She is growing so fast it's hard to imagine her as the tiny little infant when she was born. She talks all the time now. Rolls over onto her tummy and crawls... backwards. More of a scooting action. She smiles and laughs—especially at herself in the mirror, or on our iphones. She is so incredibly amazing. Amazing! Soon she'll be crawling, eating solid food, walking, speaking in sentences, asking to borrow the car...

new look

2010-02-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

Lately I am overcome with the need to change everything. I want an entire new wardrobe. (I keep telling Cam to nominate me for 'What Not to Wear', but he claims I wouldn't get picked.) I want to clean the house from corner to corner and change all the artwork. I want... basically, spring is coming and it's time to "clean house"—metaphorically and/or not.

Starting with the blog. Please excuse me while I settle on something I like...

valentine's day is for lovers

2010-02-16T12:56:00.000-08:00

My mom sent me a text Friday evening, offering to watch Dara on Sunday so Cam and I could go on a date. A Date!

Yes! Of course! Thank you! I told her.

What would we do though? It had been so long since we'd gone out without Dara, we'd forgotten how to go on a date. Movie? Restaurant? So overwhelmed with possibilities we decided to sleep on it.

Saturday morning Cam suggested the perfect plan: go-cart around San Francisco! I'd seen these go-carts around the city and always thought they looked like a TON of fun and wondered how they worked. Turns out they have GPS guided audio tours, where if you follow along the pre-set route you'll hear the tour, but they drive just like a motorcycle. Which meant: we just zipped off around the city and had a blast. We made our own tour! Tried to take pictures, but it was impossible to steady the camera with those shocks.

It's cliched to say it, but often the first thing to go when the baby comes is intimacy between mommy & daddy. There aren't many quiet moments to spare and often, when there is one, you spend it folding laundry, catching up on email or simply taking a shower. (Or blogging!) Intimacy has been on my mind, but I haven't made it a priority. I'm ready to change that. Our life is different now and so much of our identity is in "mama" and "papa" and I think that's great. We love Dara more than we ever knew we would. I'm also excited to get back to my husband, to cuddle with him on the couch and feel him hug me. Our one year anniversary is coming up and I almost feel as if we're starting now.

I love you Cam. Xoxo

boys and girls

2010-01-28T09:24:00.000-08:00

The first of many boys who will show interest in my daughter.

zoo on a rainy day

2010-01-15T13:22:00.000-08:00

I used to have a bad habit when it came to watching TV. Basically, I watched it all the time. When the TV is on I have a hard time not getting sucked into whatever is playing; reality shows, cartoons, golf... But! I don't want Dara to be that way. I want her to use her imagination in play. To read, draw, dance and learn about the world through interaction and experience rather than watching it on a screen. That's basically how I grew up and it's important for development.

I do think there are some good programs for kids; Sesame Street being an obvious one. Yo Gabba Gabba is cool too. Now that computers, and the internet, have become so integrated into how we experience our daily lives, I realize that it can be a tool for learning/play. Allie over at baker's & astronauts is a constant source of inspiration when it comes to child development and she just turned me onto this very cute site: bembo's zoo. Such a cool site! I love it because it's type. Hello! It's animated. Colorful without being overwhelming. Easy to understand and navigate (good for little hands with shaky motorskills). Definitely bookmarking this for later.

family photo

2010-01-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

I am lucky to have a totally cool Mom (now that my teen years are over. Ha!), who I am very close to. She is an inspiration and source of support, strength and great parenting information. I am so happy that Dara is growing up with her grandmother very involved in her life. I didn't have that when I was a kid and it's something I feel is very important for children—to have a close, special relationship with their grandparents. Grandparents can be the "fun only" parents. They can break the rules and eat ice cream for dinner, or stay up too late, or do other things that Mom won't allow, but won't really hurt you anyway.

Cam and I both want our children to be close to their extended families. It makes me so happy to hear my brother say he loves his niece. To watch Dara light up the eyes of her grandparents, cousins and uncles makes me so proud.

seriously

2010-01-06T23:31:00.000-08:00

Have you seen anything more beautiful?

first day back

2010-01-06T23:11:00.000-08:00

I started work again, three days ago, after four months off. Here is what I wrote on my first BART ride home in a long time:

Nervous. Excited. Early. Bored. Missing baby and husband. (why must we be apart?) Hungry. Headache. Glazed over eyes. Pumping milk in shower. Walk outside. Missing family. Pile of work. Nothing gets done. Want to lay down and cuddle. Happy it's done, trying not to think about tomorrow.

That first day was hard. Really hard. Many well meaning co-workers came to welcome me back and ask, "how are you doing?" and I couldn't answer any of them honestly. How could I? None of them have experienced what I have. Even the other mother's had their own, unique experience that differs from mine. I didn't think people would really understand and I didn't want to go into a lengthy explaination of all my contradicting emotions. So, I just smiled, said "thanks" and told them "it's hard, I miss her, but it's ok".

Even though inside I wanted to scream: I HATE this! Wtf am I doing back here? What is my purpose? My purpose, as I understand it, is to mother my child. To feed her, clean her and talk to her. To hold her and answer her when she calls. Only, I am forced to go to work and earn money, while her Dad is at home with her. And here's where it gets really confusing—even for me: I am jealous of Cam. I am jealous of the time he gets to spend with Dara. I don't like that I feel that way. I am happy that she is with a parent, rather than daycare, and especially happy that she will have a special bond with her father (which I think is important for all girls). It's like a sad twist of fate that we are each being asked to do exactly what the other would prefer to.

I am also, rather irrationally, worried that she will forget me. That she won't need me like she did before. That I will become the 'producer of milk', useful only for food, and Cam will be the one she goes to for comfort, cuddles and playtime.

I know. I know. I know! Silly. Blame it on the hormones.

Today I worked from home and it was better. Falling back into the swing of work projects. I was able to nurse her and listen to her voice, which is becoming ever more talkative. It will get easier, this I know. I can only take it one day at a time.

week in photos

2009-12-31T12:34:00.000-08:00

The week before Christmas, spent in Portland with Cam's family. Visiting old friends and semi-familiar places. We both realized that home is now Oakland and Portland is our favorite place to visit.

2 months

2009-12-04T10:27:00.000-08:00

She's almost ten weeks in this picture. Amazing how time flies! (And creeps along in some moments.) As I look back on the photos from her first few days, she seems like a little girl compared to that tiny baby. She is still sleeping for long stretches through the day, but in the time between each nap she is much more alert and engaged. Her voice is coming out more and more—I love the look of surprise on her face when she makes a new sound. It must be a trip to make sound for the first time. To experience all the automatic responses we take for granted for the first time: holding your head up, eating, talking, moving. Her movements seem much more controlled in comparison to the random flailing after her birth. She actually grips onto my shoulder a bit when I carry her and it melts me. I look into her eyes and see the most beautiful creature in the whole world.

happy birthday cam!

2009-11-27T12:07:00.000-08:00

Today is Cam's "real" 30th birthday. (He'll have a second, "fake", one on December 27th—lucky!) I didn't plan anything special and am kicking myself for it, but I just couldn't seem to make it happen. Instead I will declare to the world: I LOVE THIS MAN! I am so happy with him and excited about our future together.

We're going to head out and get some pho for breakfast (is it still breakfast if it's at noon? what if it's the first meal of your day?)—which is his favorite. Then... who knows. It's 'Black Friday' which means shopping will be madness, but maybe we need a little madness to shake us up.

Like having a newborn isn't madness enough.

thanksgiving

2009-11-27T11:59:00.000-08:00

Cam recently decided to organize all his photos and in doing so ended up reliving the past year (and beyond). We realized that a lot has happened in 2009 and we have much to be thankful for. We moved into our first apartment together, we got pregnant, got married, moved into a new apartment, lost a job, had a baby, and lots more in between.

Yesterday we had Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's house. For a mom who "doesn't cook", we had a fabulous feast. It was a cozy day spent with my family. I am so thankful to have such a loving family surrounding me. Thankful my brother is home safe from Iraq. Thankful my mom (and dad) lives near me so I can experience motherhood along side her. Most thankful for my beautiful daughter and husband and the little family we've created. I love them so much!

I try to remember how lucky I am every day of the year, but it's nice to have a special holiday where we can celebrate each other and tell each other how we feel.

a few of my favorite things

2009-11-20T23:45:00.000-08:00

• She makes the sound of a sneeze after she actually sneezes. I absolutely love this! I think it's hilarious and wonder why she does it—she's done it since birth.

• Her facial expressions and sounds.

• When she smiles and giggles at me. (Duh!)

• Her bright eyes. Sometimes I can see the universe swimming inside them.

• The intensity with which she studies the world around her. I can't wait to hear her thoughts about what she sees.

• After she yawns, her lips relax and squish out her cheeks, and she sighs. Swoon.

• The way she stretches, grunts and wiggles to pull herself out of sleep.

bed time

2009-11-19T23:38:00.000-08:00

One of the few things I wanted to plan for and read about during my pregnancy was sleeping. Where would the baby sleep? We had been given a crib, but I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of our baby sleeping in another room, far away from me. My guiding principle in times of doubt has been to imagine what I would do if I were living 100 years ago. No electricity, no department stores, no books to explain what to do. What would my great-grandparents have done with their kids?

Having her sleep near, or in the bed with us, seemed like the most natural solution. I knew if she was next to me I would be able to hear her and respond to her needs immediately. I liked the idea of continual bonding throughout the day and night. Sleeping next to her would make night feedings that much easier. I had read that sleeping on, or next to, a parent helped to slow the babies breathing, in turn allowing them a longer, more restful sleep. It seemed obvious to me that she would sleep in our bed.

Cam was a bit reluctant at first. He was ready to have his wife back. The one without a huge, pregnant belly. The one he could cuddle with, not that one who was so sore she didn't want to be touched. After talking about all the benefits he agreed that co-sleeping was best for the baby.

In the beginning she slept anywhere, and everywhere, around the house. She slept all the time. I fed her. She slept. She woke up and I fed her again. It was a tiresome cycle. We tried to sleep in our bed, with Dara in the center, but it felt so tight! Cam and I fell into a rhythm with Dara where Cam would stay up with her during the night (Dara usually slept wrapped up in a bundle on the couch), allowing me to sleep for about 4 hours from midnight to 4 or 5am, then I would take over in the morning and allow Cam to sleep. I think we did it this way because Dara couldn't sleep for longer than 2 hours if she was next to me—the smell of milk was too much for her to handle!

As Dara grew a little more and we started to recognize patterns in her behavior and needs, I started to take her to bed with me and Cam began to sleep on the couch. The 3 of us couldn't all sleep together—we just don't fit in the bed. Dara learned how to feed while lying next to me, so it made sense that she would go to bed with me. We did that for a while and it was good. I love waking up to her little body next to me. Every morning when I see her face I am surprised by how beautiful she is. I love that feeling. I love starting my day knowing that I have a wonderful daughter to share the world with.

Then I started to miss my husband. I missed our bedtime pillow-talk and the warm feeling of falling asleep in his arms. I wondered if maybe it was time to start using the crib. Is she old enough? Even though I would rather not force a sleep schedule upon her, I feel like I have to in preparation for my return to work in January. I feel pressure from friends, who look at me quizzically when I tell them that Cam and I don't sleep together, to get back in bed with him. I feel pressure from society and my office job to get a full night's sleep so I can return to the work force.

Both Cam and I have mixed emotions surrounding Dara sleeping in the crib. We wonder if her crying in the crib (we currently only let her fuss for 10 minutes, then we pick her up and sooth her) will negatively affect her development. Will she associate the crib with discomfort? I look at her while she is crying and it seems so obvious that she is trying to tell me something, but I just don't understand. Like when you are speaking to someone who doesn't understand your language and you repeat yourself over and over, slowly or more loudly and they look back at you with a blank face. My face is blank. I want to help her and I try everything I know, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Then I feel so guilty for ever putting her in the crib. I think, "maybe I should just strap her to my body and carry her around for the next 18 years". At times like those I wish it was 100 years ago. I wish that I didn't have to worry about schedules, or ever leaving my baby. I wish that people didn't question co-sleeping, or parents who sacrifice their own immediate comfort for that of their child.

It's so easy to decide exactly how you will react to your children before you have any children to react to. Once they're here—it's a whole other story.

diaper change

2009-11-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

Undeniably the cutest baby ever. She is smiling more and more every day and I think even starting to react to us with smiles. It melts my heart. I love her so much. SO MUCH!

The voice in the background is my Mom. She had a vision as Dara was being born of Venus, the stars, universe, etc. She and Dara talk about it when they're together.

hometown tourists

2009-11-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

Back to the city! Our inaugural return, after more than a month away, took us to Chronicle Books for the '50 Book, 50 Covers' show. It was crowded, like show openings always are, and I felt completely awkward with the baby bag and Cam was hot with Dara strapped to him, and we both just wanted to leave. I guess we need to ease ourselves back into these kinds of situations. Situations with other people.

On our way back home, Cam snapped a few pictures for posterity. These are from the Powell street BART station, which is actually a great backdrop for photos. A place I'm usually hurriedly, passing through rather than admiring.

birth story part 2, labor & delivery

2009-11-09T10:28:00.000-08:00

And then what? Well, this where is starts to get fuzzy. I don't remember the order of events as clearly as I do in all the preceding. My body started to take over after my water broke and I just went with it. I had trusted all through the pregnancy that I would know what to do when the time came. Just like I would know what to do once our baby was in our arms. I remember deciding on our way to the hospital that I was going to listen to my body and not be embarrassed, or afraid to ask for what I needed. Once my water broke my labor transformed from a clean, polite conversation to a messy, primal ritual.

My contractions started as light pressure on my lower back, kind of like someone was pressing on my tailbone. As the labor progressed and they intensified, I started feeling heat in the center of my lower back along with painful pressure. Just like they taught us in labor class the contractions had a starting point, would intensify in an arc, peaking with the most pain, then fall down as the pain subsided. It was as if a balloon was being inflated in my lower back, pushing everything else aside, then slowly deflating and easing the pain.

At this point my Mom is with us. I remember calling her when I was still calm and we were waiting for something to happen. She brought food and a huge vase of snap dragons. She was wearing sandals with a little heel and the sound of her clicking around the room was comforting.

After my shower, I moved back to my bed. My refuge, my sanctuary. The bed was great because it could be raised, lowered, tilted and moved into a hundred different positions to support me. I discovered I could move through the pain of the contractions most effectively if I was bent at the waist, either standing and bending onto the bed, or on my knees bending over (on the bed or floor). As the contractions started coming more frequently, all I could focus on was being present with that pain so it didn't tear me apart. I don't remember nurses coming into the room. If there were conversations going on around me I couldn't hear them. I started to go inside of myself and simply focus on the physicality of life at that moment. Eventually I ended up tethering myself to the head of the bed, on my knees holding onto the headboard. Cam was next to me the entire time. I didn't want to be touched, I didn't look at him or anyone else, because I needed to focus all my energy into the contractions. I could feel his presence though and it supported me.

I found that if I physically reacted to the pain of each contraction, by making a sound or moving my body somehow, I could release the pain into the universe rather than keep it trapped inside me. With each contraction I took a deep, cleansing breath as it started and let the breath out by making an 'O' sound. The tone of 'O' went right into my lower back, where all the pain was, and released it. Neutralized it. The pain was hot and the 'O' was cool. It was amazing! The pain was still incredibly intense, and tiring as they seemed to be coming one right on top of each other, but I was moving forward and actually enjoyed the vibrational feeling of my own sounds.

Eventually the pain caught up and overtook me. I was pressed against the bed, pulling hard on the headboard and intoning as best I could, but the contractions kept coming with such frequency that I felt completely exhausted. I decided to have the nurse give me a narcotic to dull the pain and allow me to rest for a minute. I felt the drugs the second they went into my arm—sweet, light, airy relief! It felt like 15 minutes, though I think it was more like an hour, but then the drugs wore off and the intensity was back.

I was sweaty. I was tired. I threw up. And peed all over myself. Damn orange juice! I felt so much better though, almost refreshed. I remember looking around the room as they changed the sheets, feeling like I was outside my body. I felt adrift at sea standing there, waiting for my bed to be made. Watching everyone around me. Moving slow and fast at the same time. I remember thinking, for the first time in a long time, I am doing exactly what I need to do and not worried about anyone else.

The next thing I remember is I wanted to start pushing. Our nurse at this point was a fabulous woman named Tonisty (who turned out to have dated a close friend of Cam's while in Portland a couple years ago, which instantly bonded us to her). I was standing, bent over the edge of the bed, telling them that I felt like I had to poop. I could feel it coming. She told me not to push because I may not be fully dilated and there wouldn't be enough room for the baby if I started too early. I felt like I had no control over the pushing. That it wasn't me that pushed, but my body. My lower abdomen was contracting and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Another nurse was brought in to check if I was fully dilated, and I was! She gave me permission to push and I did. Sweet relief. I turned over and got back into my position; on my knees, facing the wall, holding onto the headboard and started to push. It felt like I only pushed a few times before they said the head was showing. I remember there being a flurry of voices and activity—calling for the doctor, being told I may not be allowed to deliver in the position I was in, lights turning on, turning off, a man's voice (it had been women the entire time). The whole time I just stayed where I was and focused on myself and my baby. I was going to have a baby! I could feel her head pressing on me and it hurt! A woman's voice told me only a couple more pushes and her head would be out and I thought, Thank God! I couldn't take much more pain. After her head came through her body slithered out after and it was the most amazing feeling of relief I had ever felt.

I felt like I was floating down from the ceiling onto the bed. I turned around to see her and there was a crowd of people in the room. That brought me back to reality! The doctor told me where to put my legs as I flipped over onto my back and held my baby for the first time. My legs were shaking so hard I couldn't calm them. Our little girl looked at me with the brightest eyes and I melted. The first of many times. She was, and is, the most beautiful creature in the world. I felt so happy. I was bursting with happiness. I was holding my baby in my arms.

birth story part 1, the induction

2009-10-27T14:08:00.000-07:00

I had expected labor to start spontaneously, perhaps in the middle of a shopping trip to Berkeley Bowl, or at night after watching TV for a while. I imagined that I would immediately know that labor had started, that I was experiencing a contraction, or that my water had broken, but what would it feel like? Five days after my due date we went to the hospital for routine 'non-stress testing' and discovered that my amniotic fluid was very low; although our baby was still very active and had a good heartbeat, the doctor ordered an induction to begin that night. We had one hour to go home, pack our bags and come back to the hospital to begin the journey to her birth.

This was very upsetting! I wasn't ready. I was scared. I had heard horror stories about the use of Pitocin and I feared I was heading down that road with no other option, no chance to say "No". This was the exact opposite of what I wanted to happen. I was also faced with the sudden end of my pregnancy—was I ready to let go of her? Cam and I came home and took some time to take a few final pregnancy photos and talk about what was about to happen. We were both scared, but ready for the next step.

We checked in to the hospital on Friday, September 25th around 8pm. The labor suite was quite large, with a couch for Cam to sleep on, tub in the bathroom and plenty of room to move around in. A nurse came in and immediately inserted a Hep-Lock IV for the Pitocin and saline drip, which would start the next morning. Fetal monitors were strapped around my belly to track contractions and the baby's heartbeat. Cervidil was inserted into my cervix to fully ripen the muscle. Finally, they gave me some Benadryl to help me sleep (HA!). I was told they would start the Pitocin drip around 9am the next morning. Cam and I tried to sleep. I don't think either one of us really did. I was crossing over from nervousness to excitement—to finally experience labor and to meet our daughter.

I woke up the next morning to a breakfast of pancakes, sausage and orange juice—hospital style. I didn't dare touch the sausage, but did eat some of the pancakes and drank the orange juice, which would turn out to be a bad choice later. They started the Pitocin around 9am, an hour or so later I started to feel contractions. At first they were like cramps—no big deal. I decided I wanted to walk around, to get my blood flowing, before the contractions got worse. Because the Pitocin was a constant IV drip, I had to drag the IV tower along with me. Cam and I walked down the hallway to the only window we could find and as soon as I looked outside I wanted to be outside. I desperately wanted to feel a breeze on my face. Then the power went out. "Is this a sign?", I wondered. We ambled back to the room and I sat on the bed, feeling breathy. The nurse was fiddling with the fetal monitors when I felt a strong urge to pee. I stood up and my water broke. This was good news! My body was responding well to the Pitocin and labor was progressing naturally. At this point the contractions were starting to get uncomfortable, I had to stop and focus my breath during each one or else the pain would come through.

one month

2009-10-26T22:45:00.001-07:00

Dara is one month old today. It seems as though a lifetime has passed since I was pregnant. After carrying her inside me for so long, wondering what she will look like, sound like and act like—she is more beautiful and amazing than I ever could have imagined. It is incredible to watch a little human grow right in front of your eyes. She moves around with such determination, arms waving and legs kicking as she tries to harness the energy and control her movements. We can see her becoming aware of her surroundings and discovering her power over us—we are helplessly in love with her and stuck under her spell. I feel so lucky to be her mother, to be chosen to lead her through this world and show her how wonderful life is.

so new

2009-10-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

Everything they said was true. Having a baby has completely turned our lives upside down, sideways and inside out—in the very best way. I have experienced an entire spectrum of emotions since the Friday night they told us to come in and have our baby. I have wanted to write about them, here and in a journal I am creating for Dara, but haven't been able to start until now. Even now I'm not sure where to begin. Writing for me is typically the final stage of my emotional process. I experience, I think about it, I think and think and think and then once I'm pretty sure I know what I am feeling, I write it down. But there hasn't been time for that yet. Every day is a new emotion, even if I felt the same way yesterday it feels completely new because it's a new day.

Dara is an amazing child. She is beautiful and expressive. She is strong and hardly cries (unless she is tired, or frustrated by our feeding challenges). I can sit and watch her for hours. I am amazed by her power over us, both Cam and I are completely in love with her and would do anything for her. The three of us have bonded tightly since she arrived. Cam is especially in tune with her, watching him with her brings tears to my eyes—I am so in love with him and I can see how much love he has for his daughter and for me. We are so lucky to be able to spend our days together, I can't imagine having to care for her alone while he went to work. I cringe at the thought of leaving her to go back to work in January!

I want to write more, but I feel disorganized in my thoughts and I can hear Dara and Cam talking in the bedroom and want to jump in bed with them! I plan to share our birth story here, because I have really enjoyed hearing other people's stories. I want to share my experience with breastfeeding, which has been a challenge that caught me off guard—I thought it would be so easy! I want to share pictures and all the stories we create together. One day soon.

She's here!

2009-10-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

I have so much to say, but can't because I urgently need to snuggle with my new baby. More to come...soon. I want to share her birth story, which is hard to sum up in one word here, but was essentially perfect. She is perfect!

Dara Francis Vilay. Born Saturday evening, September 26, 2009. Weighing 7lbs., 5.3 oz. and measuring 20"long!

Cam and I are both so excited and happy. This is an amazing time in our lives.

week 39 1/2

2009-09-17T19:16:00.001-07:00

Today was my last visit to the doctor's office before the due date. We shared the elevator ride up with a woman and her month old son. She looked to be about my age. She asked when I was due, I asked how old her son was, we smiled at each other.

Last night I stayed up late working on our birth plan. For the past nine months I have had faith in my body and my own inner strength and all of a sudden I lost that and anxiety has come into me. I don't know when the birth will start. I don't know how it will feel. I feel like I've been walking towards the cliff for nine months, telling myself that I will be fine as I jump off into the ocean. That I am prepared, I am strong and I know how to land. Now that I can see the edge, that my toes are curling over the rocks, doubt is creeping in. By writing a birth plan and carefully outlining how I want everything to happen I felt I could take some control over a situation that I really have no control over. Going over our plan with the doctor, as I listened to her explain how the nurses are experienced and there to help aid me through the next stage of this journey, I realized that I had nothing to worry about. I am prepared. We are both prepared. Cam will support me and I will support our baby as she enters this world.

We happened to share the elevator ride down to our car with the same woman we rode up with. I don't remember how it came up, but she shared that she had gone through labor without any drugs, most of it at home, and it was the most empowering experience of her life. She encouraged me to try it and I told her I want to so badly. I want to go with the pain and draw strength from it. I want to deliver our baby the way generations of women in my family delivered my many mothers. I want to feel that strength and know that power within me. Listening to a stranger encourage me brought me back into myself. On the ride home Cam and I talked about what we can do to prepare our minds in the final days before our baby decides it's time. I know we can do this together. I am excited to begin.

waiting game

2009-09-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

Our due date (her due date?) is 6 days away. My body wants to move very little lately. My lower back aches after only a little bit of work, so I'm trying to take it easy. Thirty minutes of activity followed by thirty minutes of rest, or stretching. I wonder what it will be like when she begins her journey into this world. What will I feel like? Will it be fast or slow? I am relaxing and waiting. Ready for everything to change in a minute. I walk through the nursery and imagine playing with her on the carpet. I get up in the middle of the night, to go to the bathroom, and think, "soon there will be a baby waiting for me when I come back".

Taking care of baby

2009-09-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

I've got lists on my mind. Ten days away from my due-date and I mostly chill at the house, crossing off the final to-do's from our list. I thought it would be fun to write down my expectations (though I think of them more as ideas, or plans) for after the birth, so I can look back in a couple months and compare my list to what actually happens.

What I plan to do:
• Breastfeed (never use formula)
• Use cloth diapers (either a service, or an all-in-one like Fuzzibuns which I've heard great things about)
• Co-sleep (in the beginning, but for how long?)
• Let her run around naked if she wants to
• Take her outside to play a lot
• Carry her in our arms or the wrap when she's little—not the bucket
• Validate her feelings (don't tell her to stop crying if she needs to cry longer)

liquid gold

2009-09-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

If I were the type to count down to events, I could now say: "the countdown has begun". My due date is a little over 2 weeks away and I may go into labor any time now. We finally chose a pediatrician (which was much easier than I thought it would be, in fact I said to the woman on the phone, "I feel like this should be harder".), which was the last necessary item on my to-do list. From now on I just rest and wait for the signs; mucus plug, water breaking, contractions. Even though this is my first time experiencing all of these things, I think I'll know when it's happening.

I've gotten so used to having a big belly and there haven't really been many other bodily changes recently, that it came as quite a surprise when a bit of fluid leaked out of my breast last night. [Warning: I'm about to talk about my boobs—stop reading if you're not interested in hearing about them.] I was inspecting my nipples, as I often do (they're so brown now! and big! and flakey at times!), marveling at the bumpy texture, and I may have squeezed it a bit, and a drop of fluid came out. They work! So I squeezed some more, but nothing. I moved to the right breast and the same thing happened. The excitement!

One of Cam's running jokes has been to inspect my breasts, or brush against them, or somehow get close to them and claim, "They're leaking! You got milk on me!" To which I roll my eyes because I'm sure I will be the first to notice when my milk finally comes in. So, I shout to Cam, "My milk came in!" He runs into the room and I squeeze a little more and show him. He is clearly excited. After playing with it for a while I say I don't want to encourage them to start dripping on their own, so we need to stop. He goes back to the living-room and resumes his video game. I follow him, stand there and play with my breast a little, trying to coax some more out. He's watching with half an eye. I massage and squeeze for a minute, then pretend to shoot it at him and he completely falls out of his chair, somersaulting onto the floor. I can't stop laughing because usually it's me falling for one of his pranks and I totally got him this time. It was hilarious.

Breastfeeding is one of the few things about having a baby that makes me nervous. What if I don't produce enough milk? What if it hurts? What if I feel like a milk-machine whose only purpose is to suckle her offspring? I am also really excited to experience the closeness and bond that comes from feeding. I think it's absolutely amazing that our bodies create the perfect food for our babies—right there, no need to prepare anything, just latch on and feed. Bodies are incredible.

week 37

2009-09-02T10:24:00.001-07:00

My maternity leave started this week and I am so thankful! Now I can nap when I want to, go to bed and wake up when I want to— all without worrying about being tired for work. I'm still enjoying being pregnant; although, I do feel huge! I really enjoy the feeling of her moving around inside me. I told Cam the other day that I think I will miss that once she is birthed. We are both so curious and excited to meet her. Whenever she is ready, we are too.

week 34

2009-08-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

Cam and I decided to trek out to Target after work the other night, because I wanted to get a few final nursery supplies and sometimes it's fun to just roam around look at stuff. We drove through Emeryville to avoid freeway traffic. Cam's been trying to carry his camera with him more so he can photograph whenever inspiration strikes. Emeryville is full of old warehouses with interesting textures, colors and foliage growing on them. Unsurprisingly; inspiration struck! So, we hoped out of the car and started shooting in front of a huge wall of bougainvillea.

About 20 frames in two security guards came over and told us we couldn't take pictures there. We told them that didn't make sense to us since we were on public property (the sidewalk). If you've ever experienced something like that you can guess what happened: we refused to leave, the guard kept telling us to leave, we said call the cops if you're worried about it, we tried to keep shooting, but—the mood was sour. Even though we knew we weren't braking any laws we couldn't relax and enjoy the moment anymore. It was lame. Cam was upset. I wanted to get out of there. The guard was being antagonistic and started taking pictures of us... We left.

The rest of the drive took us right next to the water. The sun was starting to set and the bay was sparkling like grey diamonds. We pulled over and talked a bit about what had just happened. After processing our feelings and letting go of the anger, frustration and annoyance we got out to take a few more pictures. I think the colors in the first photos are great, but this set is my favorite. I love the shapes in my body! The rolls and curves, little bumps and big mounds. Physically, I'm a little tired of carrying all this weight around. It's getting hard in these final weeks. Visually, I love it. I think these pictures are so interesting. I have felt more confident and comfortable in my body during my pregnancy than ever before. I finally love my shape and I think that feeling will stay with me even after our baby is born and my body changes again.

begin the week (v.34)

2009-08-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

Instead of writing about what happened this weekend, which I usually want to do, but feel like it's such a huge task, I am posting pictures of our weekend. Rebecca Woolf of Girl's Gone Child does this and I find it inspiring. Everyone loves to look at pictures—right?

We went to the Giant's game and ate nachos. Leaving our seats around the 3rd inning, we walked around and enjoyed the sunset, sailboats and each other.

I spent a beautiful evening with my mama. We ate delicious food outside on her patio. She mixed essential oils for me to rub on my belly.

Cam took a family portrait—leaping down a flight of stairs and landing perfectly next to me, before the 30 sec timer went off.

reduce reuse recycle

2009-08-06T11:42:00.001-07:00

I love stuff. I love well-designed objects to be used in the home, or set on a shelf and admired as a piece of art. I enjoy surrounding myself with pretty things. I like to support other artists and designers by purchasing their stuff to add to my stuff. On the other hand, I hate clutter. I don't mind artfully arranged stacks of books, but I can't stand little piles of junk (aka: stuff) around the house. When the house is disorganized, with blankets and dirty clothes strewn about, dirty dishes in the sink and the kitchen table piled high with who-knows-what, I start to feel overwhelmed and even a bit depressed. I don't realize from what at first, then I start to pick up a bit and suddenly there seems to be more space, a lightness in the visual landscape and in how I feel.

I struggle with my conflicting desires to buy more stuff and purge the stuff I already have. Then there's the fact that Cam and I have worked so hard together to save money and not spend on anything we don't really need, or feel will add to the quality of our life—so, what gets approved and what do I leave behind? When I am out shopping, or more often—browsing the internet, and see something I want to have I ask myself this: how will this thing relate to the rest of the things I already have? Where will I put it? What purpose will it serve? I've found that for me, it's often the instant thrill of finding something that catches my eye and purchasing it that brings me happiness and after those initial moments, it's just another thing laying around the house gathering dust. I try to avoid that now.

I read this quote in reference to a new book by Peter Walsh, called: "It's All Too Much"

this is about calculating the very real cost that clutter incurs every day, then deciding what you can tolerate _not_ doing about it. The mindless junk of your past crowds out opportunities and sets pointless limitations. Move out the junk, and you create room for the rest of your life. —Merlin Mann

What resonated with me is the idea that keeping unnecessary stuff/things/junk around you leaves no room for new opportunities. It's like the feeling I get; of being dragged down into inactivity when there's too much stuff all around me. Once I purge the stuff I don't need and put the stuff I do need back in it's place, I have room to breath, to experience new moments... and temptations to collect new stuff. :)

I've tried to keep all this in mind when buying new things for the nursery and thinking about what books and toys I'd like our baby girl to have. Of course I want her to have lots to play with, but mostly I want her to be stimulated and engaged. I want quality pieces that she can play with as a baby and into her childhood, like wooden blocks, stuffed animals, books and puzzles. I feel like there are so many products out there that manufacturers want to make us believe we need, when really—we don't need much. My grandparents were babies once and they didn't have everything that my parents had who didn't have everything I had and we all managed to grow into intelligent, capable adults. I want to give our baby everything, and do everything, I can to make sure she grows into a smart, confident, radiant woman. However; I don't want to get caught up in the need for more stuff and miss out on moments when we could be cuddling as a family, or reading books together, or simply playing on the floor with our hands and feet.

After all that talk...isn't this the cutest mirror ever?

week 33

2009-08-03T19:37:00.001-07:00

Last week was long. Work is picking up speed right as I am feeling the pull to slow down. Even though I would rather be at home, I don't resent it like I used to. Maybe that's because my end-date is in sight. I am trying to surround myself with positive energy and express myself honestly, often thinking about how my words would be heard by a child and what kind of example I am setting. In a way I'm feeling more self-concious, but only in the sense that I want to live consciously, not that I worry about how others perceive me.

Friday night Cam and I usually want to pig-out and watch movies. Instead of indulging in nitrate rich pizza meats from a chain restaurant, I stopped at Trader Joe's and picked up some of their ready-made pizza dough and brought it home to make our own. We used muffin tins and made mini pizza muffins; stuffed with cheese, chicken sausage, onions and spices. Delicious! Paired with a light, fluffy mixed-green salad we were completely satisfied. Until later, when we gave in and drove to the store to get a gallon of ice cream and box of sugar cones. At least we were frugal?

Nesting is an interesting impulse. I think it must affect all pregnant women, and their partners, in different ways. For me it simply means staying at home. I want to be in our home surrounded by our stuff. I want to clean, organize and arrange. Basically, the same person as before I was pregnant. Staying home means Cam and I have more time together, which is what we love. We are both independent and fairly introspective people, we enjoy our alone time—together. I love to be in the house doing my own thing, with Cam in the other room, and feel him come into the room to give me a kiss and chat for a minute, then he's back to his own thing. I love the feeling of connection we have and the mutual respect and understanding of the other's need for personal space. I wonder if our little girl will be like that too, or if she will like to be around friends and family all the time.

I hung a new piece of art above our bed. I've wanted to put something in that space, but am afraid of a heavy frame falling on us in the event of an earthquake. My compromise was to hang the print using my uncle's old drawing board clip and a thumb-tack in the wall. The piece says; "I love you because ______." The new rule in our house is we both have to complete the statement before going to sleep. Sweet dreams.

art around town

2009-07-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

There are several of these signs tied to the chainlink fence near my office. The 'soon obsolete' caught my eye and I realized they are for fun. I love stuff like this! They're like little treats for those of us who actually pay attention and use our brains on a daily basis.

showered with love

2009-07-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

The baby shower at Mom's house was a hit! The three of us bit off more than we could chew in terms of food preparation and decorations, but it all worked out in the end. As long as I am able to let go of the need for everything to look as I imagined it would guests think it's perfect anyway! We were set up in the backyard and I expected the day to be super hot, but actually it was a perfect 75 and a bit shady. It even drizzled a bit early on and threatened to move all the action inside.

Most of my girlfriends now are the same girls I grew up with. I decided to invite all their parents as well, since they were such a big part of my childhood as well. It was a blast to see all the moms together and the dads sitting in the swing with my girlfriend's baby—the first in the group. I feel so lucky to have a group of friends with such history, it's almost as if we're sisters at this point. We've all grown into our own womanhood, with completely different interests and passions, but we are tied together by history and love each other no matter what.

One of my favorite aspects of pregnancy has been the sense of love and support I've felt from my community. Everyone is so excited and not afraid to share that with me and I love it. I remember reading stories about pregnant women dealing with strangers wanting to touch their bellies and it terrified me! I didn't want strangers, or even some of our friends, touching my belly. That never happened though. Instead, it's been a metaphorical touching; people smile at me, they donate old clothes and furniture, they give me advice (most of which has been very helpful, not as much "telling me how to do it" as I prepared myself for), and they offer their help. Once again—I feel so lucky to have this life. To have a wonderful husband, family, friends and community supporting me and the life growing inside me.

Get the flash player here: http://www.adobe.com/flashplayer

P.S. The book I'm covering my face with (in one of the pictures) is 'Barbapapa's New House'. I have the best memories of this book! My mom and I had been talking about it and other books my brother and I read as kids, and we were both disappointed that it had been sold/given away/lost over the years. She found it online and gave it to us for our baby. The tears! The came flooding out immediately. The book is more than just a book, it represents family and love and childhood to me. I can't wait to share that with our babies, and see which books they find connection with.

happy birthday jacob!

2009-07-24T09:21:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is my brother's golden birthday. He will be 25 on July 25th. I won't be able to give him a hug or celebrate with him because he is far away from home. So far that he's already into tomorrow while I'm still in today. He's a U.S. Marine stationed in Iraq. (Just writing those words brings all sorts of emotions up for me; about my opinions on the war, the military, my family's involvement...but, this post isn't about all that, so I'm going to just gloss right over it.)

Jacob is in the middle.

I know he is missing home right now and I am missing him. I left for college right as he started high school. I left with an image of Jacob as an immature, annoying little brother. When I moved back home, seven years later, he had magically grown up. Mostly. He was still wild and wanted to party, but don't most guys at 22? We started getting closer, hanging out a bit and I discovered that he was a funny (hilarious really), thoughtful, sensitive guy. At times I was even surprised by his insights into our family and the world around him.

In many ways Jake is the complete opposite of me. He is incredibly confident and outgoing in social situations. He is hilarious. Slapstick funny, wise-cracking funny, sarcastic, witty—he'll make you laugh until you cry. He is unafraid of new situations, of putting himself out there where he's never been before just to see what happens. I often think that if we weren't related by blood we would never get a chance to know each other. I'm so glad we are. I am proud to be his sister, to be associated with him (even when he makes me cringe) and get to be a part of his life.

Me and Jake, I'm guessing he's about 3 and I am 5 years old.

We've been able to talk on the phone a few times and chat frequently (on Facebook) while he's been deployed. Though I wish, every day, that he was here instead, I feel like I've gotten to know him better and grown even closer to him through during this time. I've learned more about how he feels about family, what he wants to do as a career, about his love. Most surprisingly; he has been super excited about the baby since the night I told him. He talks and asks about her all the time. I can't wait for them to meet. I imagine him showing her a whole world and teaching her things I don't even know yet. Having a wonderful brother like him is what motivates me to have more than one child. I want my kids to experience that closeness and understanding that comes from a sibling.

Happy Birthday Jacob! I love you more than I can say here and I can't wait to see you.

renegade crafters unite!

2009-07-20T10:08:00.001-07:00

Sunday morning I got up early (8am. I know! Soon that will feel luxuriously late.) to pick up some new and old friends, and drive into S.F. for the Renegade Craft Fair. Jen, Mary, Holly and I found perfect parking, right across the street from Fort Mason, after trolling the neighborhoods for over 20 minutes. It pays to be patient! Inside the fair there were tons of prints (letterpress and silkscreened), cool jewelery and hair clips, little ceramic cuties and fun clothes. I plan to write more about what I saw, but first I have to post this picture of me and my favorite baby-related find. If that's not the cutest thing ever—then I don't know what is.

Once again: I am inspired. My list of projects grows...

30 1/2 weeks

2009-07-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

I am seven months pregnant. Seven! I am amazed every day at the changes in my body. Amazed, amused, annoyed... The time has gone so quickly and yet, I feel as if I've been this way forever. This morning, while walking to work, I imagined I will feel lighter than ever before after giving birth. I can't wait to jump around, dance and move my body with reckless abandon again.

We have attended two of our four birthing classes—last week we toured the hospital. I have been nervous about delivering in a hospital for a while. After watching 'The Business of Being Born', like so many other women, I was terrified at what could happen. What unnecessary medical interventions the doctors might force on me in my exhausted, weakened state. Which is funny, when you think about it, because that movie is trying to educate people about "the other side of the story" and it paints the medical industry in a similar light as the medical industry has painted mid-wives and home births—dark and misguided. I knew I wanted as natural a birth as possible, but I was scared to do it all on our own, at home, and I felt we couldn't afford a mid-wife on top of the charges we would incur at the hospital. We decided to educate ourselves as best as we could, so we would be prepared to answer when the doctor asked what kind of pain medication I wanted, what position I wanted to birth in, when to cut the cord, etc. After touring the hospital I feel completely at ease and know we will be well taken care of. In fact, I think it may be the closest to a home birth experience as one can get in a medical setting. The staff is friendly and respectful. The rooms are all private and have showers and tubs to labor in. The beds convert into several different positions; from laying down to sitting, to squatting.

I don't know what our birth experience will be like. I dream that it will be easy, but I am prepared for unknowns to happen. As long as I feel respected by others and am allowed to stay connected to Cam I will be happy.

dance

2009-07-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

I woke up on the right side of the bed this morning. After snoozing my alarm twice, I jumped out of bed and pranced, naked around the living room—distracting Cam from his early morning homework wrap-up.

Walking to the office from bart I listened to the new Girl Talk album, "Feed the Animals" and started to get a little weepy. The songs weren't my favorite, but the energy triggered something inside me. Nostalgia. Happiness. Time to dance!

(Left: Friend and Captain of the team, Tim. Right: A very sweaty me, posted up at the speaker)

Time to smile and look around you and see other happy humans around you all dancing to the beat, moving up and down and around in sync. I started thinking about my college days, when I would go to raves and dance all night and into the morning. I had so many friends in that scene—they were like a family. Dancing is such a personal experience, where you commune directly with the music, but that feeling would intensify for me when I looked around and saw all my friends expressing themselves and feeling the same happiness I felt. Dancing was a huge part of my life for those years.

(Old friends playing on the Lewis & Clark campus—what a dreamy place to learn)

I started to dream about our little girl and dancing with her. Taking her to outdoor parties with picnic blankets and food, people dancing, talking and loving each other. Will I be able to dance with her in a sling? Or, will I hold her in my arms? What about when she can stand on her own—will she love to move and feel music inside her as much as I do? Every day I grow more excited to meet our daughter and grow with her. I can't wait to create family memories of happiness. She makes me smile.

week 28

2009-06-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

Summer is setting in at just the right time—I can no longer wear normal pants, so dresses it is. Cam has started school. I have been making progress on projects both creative and around the house and it feels so good. For me; the third trimester brings energy and a will to act. I weigh more than I ever imagined I would, but I feel great. We are talking doulas, cloth diaper services and pediatricians. I feel so young and yet, ready to be a mama. We are beyond excited to bring a little one into the world and share the wonders with her. I dream of her every day.

adventures in quilting

2009-06-28T19:59:00.001-07:00

I met with my Mom to pick fabrics at Joanne's and after about 45 minutes of choosing blues, greens and yellows, a fellow quilter advised us to head over to ThimbleCreek—where they have the good stuff. The fabric at this shop is amazing! I kept falling in love with fabulous, bold floral prints. I have so many ideas for little dresses, jackets and floppy hats to make for the baby. Alas, the quilt pattern I had chosen called for thin strips, which meant that I had to stick with a smaller scale fabric pattern or solid colors. In the end, I switched my palette from cool to warm and chose four fabrics to establish the four color groups. Ann had told me not to worry about bringing too much, since I could "shop" from her stacks.

Choosing the fabrics and assembling them in order from light to dark was the most fun, and most challenging, part of the process. I ended up adding purple into the mix because Ann had so many beautiful purple fabrics. Her selection was full of hand-dyed, batik style fabrics which I love. We spent a large part of the day cutting the strips of fabric, then organizing them in sets to be sewn into long pieces. The sewing process was a breeze with four women working on four machines. It was a mini quilting bee! I could never have gotten as far as we did on the project without Ann's help. She helped calculate the reduced pattern dimensions, showed me how to cut the strips, organize them, trim them, piece them—she's amazing! By the end of the day (with two delicious meal breaks in between), we finished piecing the entire quilt and Ann even added a yellow border. She set me up with the batting and explained how to sandwich the three layers together and quilt them by hand at home.

It felt so good to work on something that will be in our family for years to come. I made it for our baby, but also for Cam and myself. We are creating our own family traditions in the food we eat, the activities we participate in and now, the objects we make with our own hands. It felt great to work with a group of women; two of which (my mom and Ann) have known each other since they were younger than me. In some ways, being pregnant has helped me finally feel like a woman. I have grown into womanhood through this process. I still feel young, and I'm sure I act it too, but I also feel ready to guide my own little girl through her life process in preparation for her own womanhood. Mother's are wonderful women—I am so excited to be joining the club.

27th week

2009-06-25T08:31:00.001-07:00

I am 6 1/2 months pregnant. Pants are no longer comfortable and I kind of miss them. My hair is finally long enough to pin up and I am resisting the urge to cut it all off again. My skin looks great. I have energy and am inspired to do all sorts of creative things. I feel like I'm constantly doing, meeting, organizing, cleaning something. It used to be a little tiring, but now I like it. I broke through the feeling that I wasn't getting enough done, to feeling accomplished. Like: I can do this, it's going to be awesome.

(thank you Holly for taking my picture).

luckiest girl in the world

2009-06-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

This morning reminds me of Bangkok. For the first time in months, the sky was clear blue in the morning, rather than full of foggy clouds. The air was cool, but I know it will be hot later. As I stood in line, waiting for the train to San Francisco, it smelled like Thailand; faint whiffs of smokey grilled food, garbage and a fresh new day all swirling together into loveliness.

Cam and I traveled in Thailand and Laos, for three weeks, in late 2008. It was a magical trip. A luxurious length of time, in which we allowed ourselves to do and have anything we wanted. Food. Shopping. Near, daily massages. We lived and felt like a King and Queen. During the trip we fell more deeply in love, and, although I already knew I wanted to marry him; traveling with him showed me that we could work together when outside of our comfort zone. We were building a solid foundation of communication and compromise, support and love. I was too blissed out to realize it at the time, but looking back I see: it was more than just lust—I wanted to be with him forever.

I still feel that way. I look at him and see the most handsome, loving man in the world. My husband and the father of my child. I know all he wants is to build a good life for me and the baby—for all of us. Even when it's hard, when we fight or I'm scared about the future, I always come back to this feeling of safety and calm with him, that he is the one. I am so excited to see how our lives will evolve and change as we grow and add little ones to our family.

party time!

2009-06-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

Cam and I love to party. We love to be around friends, to eat good food, listen to music and celebrate life. That last part sounds cheesy, but it's true! Our life is good and we should celebrate it. What better reason to celebrate than our little baby, whose arrival we eagerly anticipate? My mom offered to host a baby shower for us, so I put together a cute invite and sent it to just about everyone we know! I can't wait to see old friends, family and parents of friends who I grew up with—some for the first time in over a year. I anticipate lots of belly hugging.

journey book

2009-06-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

I love paper. I love the different textures it comes in, the patterns, the way it smells, even the way it feels when I cut through it. Until recently; I had a large paper collection that I used to make art with. I decided to sell most of it in a yard sale before we moved. It's hard to store all that stuff! The sheets are large and unwieldy and both Cam and I felt like we were constantly shuffling it around the apartment—trying to keep it put away, but accessible for me to use. I saved some of my favorite pieces and am trying to use those before buying more. Maybe I should limit myself to sheets 8.5x11" or smaller?

photo courtesy lovelymailorder

One of my favorite design (and mom) blogs is lovelydesign. Sharilyn writes with such a positive voice I feel inspired whenever I read about her creations, or her time spent with her little daughter. She also works with paper and I absolutely love what she makes. I have admired her journey books for a while. They are handmade journals, where each page is a unique sheet of paper. She tucks in paper from all over the world and even some envelopes for saving special notes and dried flowers (or whatever special thing you need to keep). I have wanted to purchase one for a while and finally decided to buy one and use it as a baby book. I plan to write down our early observations of the baby, her physical stats and maybe even tuck in some photos. The book arrived around my birthday and it was everything I expected—with an extra special surprise in the back that I'm not going to spoil because I think everyone should purchase one for themselves.

make me a sandwich!

2009-06-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

To follow up on my previous post about food (which, after re-reading, I realize makes me sound like a total junk food junkie and I'm tempted to elaborate and explain how I love fresh, California style cuisine, but... the only people who read this are my husband and a couple friends, so I guess it doesn't really matter) I thought I would list my favorite foods during the pregnancy. People want to know if I've had any funny cravings, you know—pickles and ice cream or something like that. I love food and, pregnant or not, have very specific cravings all the time. So, I guess the answer is: kinda, not really.

What I craved in the early months:
• Beef: Steak, Hamburgers, Pastrami, Roast Beef, Salami... couldn't get enough.
• Cheese (I ate some goat cheese at my Mom's house and it was the best thing I'd ever tasted, sweet and salty and delicious!)

What I've been craving lately:
• Sweets: chocolate cake, pudding, milkshakes—anything (It's getting out of control, I'm trying to substitute with fruit.)
• Cranberry or Grapefruit juice (I think it has something do do with the acidity. I crave the tartness.)
• Cantaloupe (Cool and refreshing. I am always thirsty and this helps relieve that feeling.)
• Prunes (I know—I'm weird.)
• Deli sandwiches (There's a place near my office that bakes their own soft-rolls, my co-workers convinced me to try it and I'll never get wheat there again—it's heaven.)

I have yet to send Cam out at midnight for an urgent craving—I'm saving that for the last month or two. What are your favorite foods? Anything new I should try?

healthy eating

2009-06-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

I grew up with hippie parents who made my brother and I eat Adam's Natural peanut butter, whole wheat bread and vegetables with every dinner. The horrors! Once in college I discovered the joys of ranch dressing (which I'm not sure I even knew about growing up, seriously—my Mom made all our salad dressings), diet Coke and my favorite: queso. (Side note: technically I knew about nacho cheese from going to A's games, but I didn't know you could buy it at the grocery store.)

I know what's healthy for me, I just have no self-control and lunge for the Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles whenever they're around. Now that I'm pregnant (fun game: see how many times I'll write those two words before giving birth. Now taking bets!), and eating for two, I feel like I should try a little harder to reach for yogurt instead of pudding. Not that I've been sustaining on pizza and donuts, but I could do better. I've read about how eating locally and in season is better for you. Which makes total sense, years of crop cultivation and human evolution would naturally lead to bodies that function better when fed food from the climate they're living in—right? I mentioned this to Cam, who now does all the food shopping, and he took it upon himself to plan our week's meals around California native foods. He shopped today and bought only organic, California grown fruits and vegetables. For dinner we had green curry with chicken & green beans, white rice and cantalope. Not scary at all! Delicious in fact. My lunches are ready to go with fresh fruit, snacks of granola and yogurt and even a bran muffin. (I'm not going to lie: that one sounds horrible. But he read it would be a healthy snack for a pregnant lady and I know bran is good for my system, so I'm going to eat it. Maybe I'll sneak some butter).

Summertime is awesome for fresh fruit and that's exactly what I've been craving. No pickle cravings yet though...

hi, it's just me

2009-06-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

Hello there! It's been so long since we've talked. I've thought about you often though, planning my return and what I would say. ...

We had planned so much activity around the week of my birthday and right after that I haven't had the energy to sit down and write about it. Even now I'm not sure if I can write about everything, so much time has passed and I have new things on the horizon—I'd rather just move forward.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant I have been steadily increasing the amount of projects I allow to actually manifest out of the ideas in my head. Let's be honest—I'm incredibly lazy. I love to lay on the couch and watch TV. For hours. Just because I'm lazy doesn't mean I don't have anything going on in my head. On the contrary; I have a million ideas of cool things to make, fun design projects for my portfolio, reorganization projects for the house, recipes I want to try, and on and on. Before I would let them slide away. Now, even though I'm tired all the time (the joys of pregnancy), I actually want to do them.

So I scheduled time at the letterpress and spent the day printing with my wonderful husband and super cool friend. We went to dinners at friends houses and I made delicious food to share. We went camping—I tanned and swam and rejuvenated myself.

I have felt for a long time that everyone deserves to be in a job where they love what they do. Where they feel they are contributing to something meaningful—whatever that means to them. I told myself, before I was pregnant, that once we had children I had no excuses to stay in a job that I didn't love because I want to set the best example possible for my children. I want to show them that each person is in charge of their own happiness, and it may be difficult to get to a place where you are finally happy, but it will always be worth it. Now is my time. I need to create beautiful things so I can create happiness in my life. I need to work hard so I can provide myself and our baby with the life we all deserve. I am excited and a little nervous for what's to come.

happiest birthday

2009-05-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

I turned a 3-day weekend into four days—because I deserve it! We worked on the house; cleaning, organizing, hanging more art. We treated ourselves to pho on the weekend (it's been so long!). I shopped and bought a few new clothing items. Best of all—the baby started kicking and hasn't really stopped. I am so happy! That was the best gift of all. To feel our strong little person moving their body freely. I'm sure there will come a day when I complain of all the kicking, but for now it makes me very happy.

My birthday present to myself: printing all day Tuesday. Cam, Holly and I completed a run of 100 wedding/baby announcements and I feel great about it. I had hoped to do more and had so much fun working at the print shop that I am convinced I should do more, maybe full-time? The process both simple and complicated, intuitive and mechanical. I will follow up with pictures of the final product soon, we have a bit of assembly to do.

One more day of work and we're off to the lake! Sweet sun and water, my favorites. Cam and I have both been nostalgic for our Laos/Thailand trip, wanting to get away from everything and just be together, this trip will be nice for us.

week 22

2009-05-21T09:30:00.001-07:00

So much has happened since my last post. I'm organizing my thoughts and preparing to write more soon. In the meantime, here I am at 22 weeks. Half-way through. Does that mean I will double in size? A friend at work commented on how my belly-button is popping out already and it seemed early to her. Gee, thanks for pointing that out. Lately I feel tired, bloated, heavy, and wish I could wear my skinny jeans (and have a cocktail). I also feel sexy, beautiful, loved, and incredibly lucky to be growing our child inside me. It's been an incredible journey just coming this far. I am amazed at how much I have grown and how Cam and I have grown together, learning how to communicate more openly and plan for our family as partners. I am so in love with him and with our precious baby!

husband material

2009-05-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

Cam lost his job two weeks ago. The week of our planned move into a new apartment. Five months before our baby is to be born. I have wanted to write a long, reflective post about how I feel about the unexpected change and how it's completely ruined our lives...but, really—it hasn't. I do worry about money, but that's nothing new. When I think about it, the only reason he was in that job was to make money. It wasn't helping him progress his career, it wasn't fulfilling him—it was mostly stressing him out. Now that he doesn't have to go into an office he is free to explore other interests that may evolve into a career that he actually loves. He's free to hike in Redwood Park in the mornings. He's free to take his camera out and photograph new places. He's free to make connections in the open-source community (something I don't fully understand yet, but trust it's worth his time).

The disaster of his being ~~fired~~ laid off has meant he is happier than ever. He has more energy and feels more grounded in himself and the present moment. That is nice for me because it means he does nice things: like always having dinner ready when I come home from work. Modern women scoff at the idea of our grandmothers, or mothers, taking time out of their day to get dinner ready in time for daddy, but let me tell you—it's freaking awesome! Yesterday I came home and he was making Philly cheese-steaks and sauteed asparagus. Yes my friends, homemade cheese-steak sandwiches.

They were delicious. Sunday morning, for my first Mother's Day, he brought me breakfast in bed.

Basically he is the best husband ever. I may stress about money, but I know we will always be provided for. I am excited (and a bit jealous) of this opportunity the universe presented him with: he finally has a chance to explore and experiment with his ideas. I know they will lead him to a more fulfilling life, one that I am proud to share with him.

quilting

2009-05-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

It's been decided. I will be making "the wedding quilt" for my first quilt project (minus the paper versions in undergrad).

One of my mom's college friends is an expert quilter and has offered to help me with the project. Thank goodness because I would probably buy all the fabric, cut half of it and let it sit and collect dust on my desk for the next few years. I have this horrible habit of planning grand projects, starting them, and then leaving them unfinished because the thrill of planning is done. Maybe I should be an art director instead of designer?

I plan to include a few pieces of old sheet sets from my parents that remind me of childhood. Those two are blue, which led me to choose a color palette that will range from purple to pale yellow (with stops at blue and green in between). My mom and I are driving up to the quilter's house on a Saturday in June and plan to spend the whole day piecing and sewing. I am so looking forward to spending time creating something new for my baby and my family, along side my own mama and a woman I've known since I was a baby. It'll be like my own private Lilith Fair.

summer time

2009-05-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

I would like summer to come now, please. My jeans are getting uncomfortable and I need the weather to turn to "dresses" so I can let it all hang out. So to speak. City skies have been gray for the past week. Which is actually pretty normal for S.F. summers.

I've got a few things to look forward to. More than a few, but I'll just list my top three for now.

1. My birthday! Favorite holiday of the year. A special day that belongs only to me (and my mom). A day for celebration of me, for eating my favorite foods, enjoying whatever I fancy at that moment. Soon I will have another birth-day, where we celebrate our first child.

2. Letterpress! In honor of myself—I rented a press at the San Francisco Center for the Book on my birthday. I will be printing several projects that I have wanted to complete for a while. I am so excited to get back into the studio and make pretty things. If all goes well this time I hope to go back in to make special prints for our baby's room.

3. Swimming! We are going to Paso Robles for some water-skiing and lakeside relaxing for the last weekend in May. My dad invited us to join a big group of people who all love the water and love to have a good time—my kind of people. My body has been stretching and growing so much lately I am very much looking forward to floating in the water, weightlessly, and sunning myself on the decks.

First I have to find a bathing suite that will cover this belly of mine. Old navy has been my go-to spot for maternity wear so far, but Target has some cute choices too.

Week 20

2009-05-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

The baby is growing! We had our second ultrasound on Friday and everything is good. Our baby is healthy, has all the right limbs in all the right places and is moving around a lot (even though I still can't feel it). At one point the baby seemed to have each limb touching a different wall of my uterus. I guess it wants to stretch out as much as I do! Seeing the baby move around on screen was such a relief. I was beginning to feel like something was wrong because I hadn't felt any strong movements and I felt like I should have. That naughty word—should. Turns out I'm right on track and don't need to worry or compare myself against other mom's.

This weekend I put some time into organizing the house. I am usually too tired after work to do anything. Cam has put a good amount of time into moving things into place, it was up to me to put the little things away. I got the studio space 80% there. I was planning to make 'Thank You' cards for the wedding this weekend, but now I'm leaning towards printing them in the letterpress studio. I took classes at the San Francisco Center for the Book (SFCB) and am now able to rent the studio and print on my own whenever I want to. I've requested to rent the space on my birthday—the perfect present! Cam and I worked together to get all our clothes organized in the closet, which cleared up most of the nursery space. Soon we will start filling that out with soft, cuddly things for our little one.

rollercoaster! of love.

2009-04-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

A couple nights ago Cam and I had a disagreement that upset me deeply. So, I retreated to house chores thinking I could get my mind off it or understand why I was so upset, but it didn't work. My body felt tense. Which led to me worrying about the baby and thinking I was probably poisoning it with tension. Which led to me retreating to the bedroom and crying. I couldn't stop. I was upset that Cam and I could disagree on such a huge, fundamental topic. I was worried that we wouldn't be able to raise a child together. That our world views are so different that we would conflict on every little thing. I was scared about not having enough money. Hate that I'm working a job that doesn't satisfy me creatively. Everything seemed to crash all at once, made even worse by the fact that I felt alone and disconnected from Cam.

Cam and I have been incredibly close since the moment we met. We love to be together. We spent three weeks traveling around Thailand and Laos in bliss. We hide out at home on the weekends rather than go out because we need to be alone with each other, to soak up each other's love. We wanted to build a family together and went for it, got pregnant and then...drifted a bit. Admittedly, I needed space. Especially in the first trimester. Then we fell into a habit; tired from work, doing our own thing around the house, busy on the weekends. All of a sudden I was an emotional wreck, completely scared of everything unknown in my future and my best friend, my husband, felt a million miles away. I curled up under the covers, and cried, hoping that he would come rescue me. And he did. He came into the bedroom to get his camera and asked how I was, I tried to straighten up, but couldn't. He climbed into the bed with me, held me tight and asked me what was wrong. So, I told him everything I was feeling. Slowly I realized that we weren't far apart, we were close, and I wasn't really upset about our argument (because ultimately I know that we agree on the important stuff), but I was scared about the unknown in our future. Oh, and I'm pregnant. Which is basically like taking a mystery drug that will affect you in ways unknown for the next 9 months. Maybe longer. It felt so good to be held by him, and hear him say, "I will always love you—no matter what". So simple and so true.

Being pregnant is so hard and so wonderful at the same time. In the span of a day I can go from feeling completely alone to completely engulfed in love and compassion.

ambition

2009-04-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

I want to make this:

I've wanted to make a quilt for a while, but have no experience. Why is that stopping me? I have two old sheet sets from my parents that evoke vivid memories of childhood and I would love to immortalize them in a textile project.

Any quilters out there with advice?

week 19... almost

2009-04-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

We moved this weekend. More accurately; Cam moved while I packed. He definitely got the bum end of that deal. He's a champ though and didn't complain once! Yay for manly men. I want to post belly pictures for this week, but we don't have any yet. Instead I'll show a few from moving day. The first is of Cam and my dad and their fabulous packing job. You can tell we've got some Tetris fans in the family. The second is me on packing day (secret belly shot) and the breakfast-in-bed Cam made me on Sunday morning. This is how I know he really loves me: he cuts my apples and cheese into really thin slices because that's the only way I like it.

P.S. The photos were taken with my iPhone—that's why the quality is so low.

fun stuff

2009-04-24T12:16:00.000-07:00

The retail industry wants you to believe that babies are expensive. You need this and this and this... Really—you don't. You need clean clothes, food and lots of love. Stuff is nice and I like having nice stuff; however, we're not in the position to purchase a whole set of furniture that will only be used for a couple years. Our plan is to supply the nursery with hand-me-downs, gifts and thrift store finds. In my fantasy world, these are some of the items I would buy new—just for baby. Here's my list so far:

Bed: "Designed to fit every stage of your child’s first 5–6 years of development while always providing a safe and comfortable sleeping environment. The base is adjustable to 3 different heights so you can comfortably lift your child in and out of the cot without hurting your back and the sides are also removable which means the cot transforms into a relaxing day bed, and later evolves into a stylish junior bed." Fun color = check. Modern design = check. Lasts for years = check. Perfection!

Blankets and sheets: I basically love everything from Dwell Studios. Currently I'm loving these bold animal and foliage prints.

Handmade wooden toys: I have this fantasy of our kids playing with only handmade toys. No plastic, no TV, no electronic sounds. Of course; anyone who knows me knows that I'm addicted to TV and love nacho cheese so the likelihood of a completely natural childhood would require some major life changes on my part (in addition to the obvious changes that will be thrust upon us). So, I'll compromise. In the meantime I'm loving etsy as a source for wholesome kids stuff.

Any suggestions from the peanut gallery?

family routine

2009-04-23T15:41:00.001-07:00

Moving day is upon us. Once again; like our wedding plans and so many other household chores, Cam has been tasked with making it all happen. I seem to have dipped into another valley of fatigue and have been sleeping more and more. I come home from work ready to pack until the wee hours of the night. I sit down to take off my shoes and immediately fall asleep. I sit to read a magazine and fall asleep. I eat dinner and doze off spoon still in hand. Watch out ladies: pregnancy = narcolepsy. Thankfully Cam is the sweetest, most caring husband in the world and he lets me sleep while he works. Even when I feel like a turd for needing to rest he insists I rest. I feel like a turd because; although I enjoy being lazy, I also like to do my fair share of work around the house and it seems like a weak excuse to say, "I'm pregnant" just to get out of work. My body seems to have changed overnight to where I have a hard time bending over, I'm tired or out of breath easily and I can't lift more than a bag of groceries. I've gone from being able to do whatever I wanted (granted, I was never really into weightlifting or extreme sports), to feeling like an invalid. Blerg. And Cam, wonderful Cam, never makes me feel guilty for not doing the same amount of work as him. He never rolls his eyes, or tells me I just have to get up and help him now. I wonder what it's like for him, as the father, to watch my body change and the baby grow bigger by the day. What it's like to have to do my chores in addition to his, to deal with my emotional roller-coaster and generally get pushed outside of the comfortable life roles that we had created.

I stopped into Home Depot the other day to grab some storage bins for the move. Every time I go in there I'm reminded of my Dad. He owns a construction company and as a little girl I would tag along with him on weekends to pick up whatever he needed. I always loved going with him to the store—no matter what store it was. There was always something cool to look at! I loved looking through the wallpaper sample books at Ace Hardware on Grand Ave. I loved, and still love, the smell of sawdust at Home Depot. I wonder what activities, recipes or traditions our child will love to do with Cam and I. I realize now that the food that I make will become "the way mom does it". The little things I do when he or she is sick, like—I remember waking up from naps when I was sick and finding a fresh glass of juice and cut fruit, or buttered toast on my night stand. My mom would always stay home with us when we were sick and would drag us out of bed late morning to take a shower, "you'll feel better" she would say. Really, it was just her trick to get us out of bed so she could put fresh sheets on the bed. There's nothing nicer than getting into clean sheets when you're clean too. Parents are so great!

What kind of parents will Cam and I be? What kind of kids will we have? Will they love science and math and all the left-brained activities that hold no interest to me? (Except 'Science Friday' on NPR!) Will they be well-behaved or refuse to do anything I ask? Will I say the wrong thing and scar them forever? Will I put the diapers on wrong? Be able to produce milk? Oh god. The questions just start flooding out of me once I get started. We will do our best. We will love our kid more than we love anything else in the world and we will tell them every day how special they are. Because nothing is more special that your baby.

earth day

2009-04-22T10:35:00.001-07:00

Today is Earth Day! Time to go outside, sit in the grass, smell the air. It's been HOT for the past few days. I'm not enjoying the uncomfortable feeling of stickiness, but I do enjoy wearing dresses—they're so loose and unrestricting (not like those jeans I used to wear—how did I ever get into those?). Yesterday, after picking me up from the BART station, Cam said to me, "We should move somewhere where it's sunny and hot all the time. I love the sun"! To which I replied: "You've finally crossed over". We play this little game with each other where I claim that sunny California, the Bay Area specifically, is the best place on earth and Cam claims that misty Portland is the best place on earth. It seems like a cut and dry argument to me, but I guess some people don't worship the sun like I do.

Lately I've been thinking about my childhood and wondering what will be similar and what will be different for our kid. I remember Earth Day activities in elementary school; learning about recycling, some sort of parade around the playground and whales. I remember 'saving the whales' being a big concern in the '80's. I distinctly remember learning about recycling and how much I loved the arrow logo. It's three arrows, which each represent something (I think, can't remember now), curving around to form one circle. Three independent elements that formed one whole. It blew my mind! That's one of a few clear memories I have relating to visual design, which; hindsight 20/20, clearly point to my future as a designer. I was always obsessed with neat handwriting and once I started using a computer to write papers I would spend hours picking the appropriate font for my title, not realizing that people made a living doing that!

party time

2009-04-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a whole week since I last wrote something? How did that happen? Life is somehow moving in slow-motion and fast-forward at the same time. Wait—isn't that atrophy? The one thing that seems to steadily move forward is the size of my belly. What was questionable last week is now definitely pregnant. I love it. I catch a glimpse of myself in store windows as I walk down the street and think, "finally, I've been waiting for this." We have so much going on; moving, working, living, and none of it really matters because I have you. A tiny life growing inside me. One day you will come outside and play and we will discover each other. I can't wait.

We decided to have a big party with all our friends, lots of food and fun in our last weekend in this apartment. Of course I spent all day cleaning and cooking because I am neurotic in that way. Everything must be perfect even though I know it's an impossible dream. Our friends love us for who we are; not our dust free surfaces. I made so much food it was too much. Not as many people came as I expected, but it was the core group. We have such wonderful friends! We are all in different places in our lives, but we support each other unconditionally and I love that.

Cam set up a photo booth in the closet and took black & white photos of everyone. That was a lot of fun. I'm glad to be documenting the changes in my body as we go through the pregnancy, and also to create a cache of photos for our kids to go through one day. One of my favorite pastimes as a teenager was to riffle through my parents shoeboxes of photos. Seeing them in short cut-off jean shorts, Mom with long hair and Dad with a beard down to his chest, helped me understand that they were more than just my parents—they were young just like me once. I think an important part of growing up and defining your own identity is understanding that your parents are individuals with dreams just like you, that they are more than just "mom" or "dad". As a young woman becoming a parent for the first time I wonder how I will continue to develop my own interests as a person outside of parenthood.

movin' on up

2009-04-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

We are moving, to a tiny house in the hills. I am sad to leave our neighborhood—we love it here! We're close to everything: great restaurants within walking distance and cool people to watch. I absolutely love being able to walk out my front door and head over to the taco shop and get a batch of our favorite nachos, then stop by the drug store if I need anything—even the laundromat is close.

So, why leave? Our new place has it's own laundry machines, which pretty much sells it when you have a baby. There's a dishwasher too. No lead paint, new carpeting and greenery all around. No more dust and soot seeping in from the traffic right outside our windows. Also, I get to decorate a new space. I love setting up house! Is that a girl thing? I don't think so because Cam enjoys it too; although, he calls it "space planning". I can't wait to put up the crib and find neat art to fill the walls with. I want to sew too. For the first time in a while I plan to sew fabric instead of paper—imagine that! I think these will be my first project: Bitty Booties from HelloMyNameIsHeather. I found these a while ago and have always thought they would make cute gifts for when my friends finally start having kids. I guess the day has come!

Lately I've been obsessed with the idea of rainbow colored bunting, with mini-flags instead of the big ones, hanging above the crib. The walls and trim throughout our new house are bright white, the carpet is medium grey (about 50-60% black for the designers in the crowd). Those are pretty much the perfect starting point for any palette or theme we decide to work with. Right now I'm thinking: "modernist circus." Playful, but simple prints, framed on the wall. Solid colored sheets. Classic wooden toys and books. And a cute little baby too.

Print from TheShinySquirrel.com > Blanca Gomez > Monsieur IV

what's going on in there?

2009-04-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

The one on the left makes me look much bigger than I am. Although, it was the end of the day and everything seems to sag a little more by the time I get home. The couch calls and I answer.

17 weeks

2009-04-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

Seventeen weeks in and I'm beginning to get used to being pregnant. The bump went from "that girl's been eating too many cheeseburgers!" to "how cute—she's pregnant" overnight. This is my favorite part of the experience—the physical, visible growth of the baby. I feel like I am going through a female rite of passage. It helps that I can still wear my skinny jeans, so I don't feel fat, just pregnant. A coworker let me on on a secret trick: if your jeans are too tight around the waist, fasten a rubber band through the loop and hook it around the button. Instant extra inches!

My mom came in to hang out with Cam and I on Sunday and she brought a bag of baby stuff. Baby stuff! I have these moments where the reality of the baby is so real that it almost knocks me over. Looking at the tiniest socks ever and imagining pulling them onto our tiny baby's feet. Swoon. On the weekends, when we're lazy in bed, Cam will put his ear to my belly and listen for movements. I wonder what it feels like, what it sounds like for our baby living inside of me. Then I think about how incredibly wild it is that a human is growing inside of me. Inside my body! Swimming around, building cells, developing its Self. Think about how wild that is. Have you ever watched a baby move around in a late pregnancy belly? It's like the movie Aliens. I have a hard time even coming up with the words to describe how crazy it is to me when I think about the process of pregnancy. It usually ends with me smiling wide and feeling warm, and looking for Cam so I can hug him and tell him how incredible it is that we're doing this.

The first trimester was not easy for us. Everyone talks about morning sickness; throwing up, nausea, loss of appetite. No one talks about the other stuff, like: feeling completely insecure about all relationships in my life, needing to sleep constantly, not wanting to be touched—by anyone! I was super sensitive to smells, had to eat a very specific diet (chicken soup for a couple weeks straight, then lots of beef), and needed absolute darkness and quiet in order to sleep through the night. Poor Cam tried to help me (and he did!), but I think he decided the best way to help was to leave me alone (and it was). I can only imagine how frustrating and confusing it must have been for him to watch his love, the woman he just created a child with and wanted to share everything with, retreat into her own world. I guess, like everything, it's different for every woman—and maybe for every pregnancy. Now I love to be touched! Among other reversals in the aforementioned list of ailments. I've also re-introduced vegetables into my diet.

P.S. I've asked Cam to start taking a weekly picture to track the growth of my belly (and our baby!) and share with everyone. I'm having some difficulty with formatting, so I'll post it later tonight...or tomorrow. I'm not so good with these technical things.

january 18, 2009

2009-04-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

Below is a letter I wrote to our baby days after confirming I was pregnant. We were both so excited, all smiles, holding hands and brimming with happiness over our secret.

Hello child of mine,

We just confirmed your existence on Friday night. Well, I think we both knew all along. We have talked about having kids since the day we met. I'll tell you that story one day, later. Today we are in San Francisco: Golden Gate Park. We just stumbled upon a group of rollerskaters having a party. There's a stereo system playing old disco-hip-hop-party classics. It's winter, but 70º and sunny. A perfect Sunday. Soon we'll be bringing you out here with us. I wonder what kind of person you will be. Will you be a boy or a girl? Creative? Philosophical? Cam wants you to be athletic. He wants to teach you basketball and football. Right now—I just want you to be healthy. I want us all to have fun together. I am so excited about you! We both want you and love you so much already.

Love, Mama

the first

2009-04-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

Hello internet: long time reader, first time caller.

I have wanted to contribute to this thing, the blog•o•sphere, but until now didn't know what to say. What could I contribute that would be meaningful, interesting and sustainable (ie: I won't lose interest in a couple weeks)? Then it hit me—I love to create things and I love reading about other people's creations, maybe other people would like to read about my creations. Having recently created the most awesome collaboration ever with my husband, a baby brewing inside of me, I think I will have plenty to talk about for a while.