time after time

I think about writing in this blog all the time. Really. Stuff happens and I write the post in my head, carefully choosing my adjectives and adverbs to best describe what's happening and how I feel about it and then I try to tie it all up in a neat bow of lessons learned.

Thoughts are so quick. So instant. Actually sitting down and writing? Damn it takes forever! Writing, editing, choosing photos, cropping photos, uploading... an hour later and I'm thinking: I could have just cleaned the kitchen / folded laundry / worked on freelance projects / watched another episode of Glee. Now Dara's awake and my free time is over.

My biggest struggle is with time and energy, they are entangled for me. I have so many things I want to do and don't want to do, but have to do otherwise we'd be living in squalor. It's such a cliche to say, "before kids...", but it's true! Before kids you could do for you. You don't have to stop and change a diaper, sit and feed someone lunch, hug, cuddle, play on the floor, read a book, walk around... kids need attention and attention takes time and energy. Time and energy away from everything else. So slowly, so you have to prioritize what's most important and for me—that's cleaning up dirty dishes, folding laundry and putting all our crap back in its place. After that comes any work commitments I've made. After that comes a choice: mindless relaxation or crafting (sewing, fun personal design stuff, photo books, etc.) Usually the TV wins, if I haven't passed out on the couch already.

Of course I love playing with, hugging, feeding and generally being a mama to Dara. I LOVE IT! When I am away from her I pine for her. I look at her pictures in my phone and hear her sweet little voice in my head say, "No" (her favorite word right now.) I am also exhausted by all this love and attention giving and getting. I catch myself fantasizing about a week long staycation where someone else can take care of Dara during the day and I can really deep-clean the house, organize and pack up stuff to give away. Then move onto my long list of creative projects and actually start one! And maybe even finish a couple that have been sitting, half-completed on the shelf since 2009.

This is what parenting does to you. You fantasize about all the stuff you took for granted before your kid was in your life. I realize in a few years Dara will be old enough to play on her own, make her own snacks and won't be interested in my hugs and kisses. Then I'll be the one following her around asking to play with her. Maybe...after I clean the bathroom.