sleepy time

Dara slept through the night, only waking once (at 4am), last night. I put her down at 8:30pm. I went to bed at 10:30pm. I woke up to her cries, which are actually more like, "Hey mom, I'm kinda hungry and confused and sitting up in my crib. Will you come comfort me?" at 4am and nursed her for about 10 minutes until she fell back asleep. I then went back to bed and was so excited it took me half an hour to get back to sleep.

I have been waiting for Dara to reach this milestone for what seems like forEVER. The weeks that turned into months right after her birth are a blur of sleep and feeding and sleep and wanting to sleep more. Breastfeeding has always been important to me and I feed my baby when she's hungry. If that happens to be at 8pm, then 11pm, then 1am, and then 4am... well, I'm freaking tired, but she needs the nourishment. Even if she doesn't really need the calories, she needs the comfort. She needs her mama or her papa to come hold her and reassure her that she's safe.

The night waking thing is complicated. On one hand I'm tired of it (ha!) and wish she would go to sleep at 8pm and wake up 12 hours later. She's had a head cold for the past couple weeks and during the worst of it, when she was so stuffed up she couldn't breath out of her nose, she was waking up every hour, crying for me to come help her. That sucked. Because I was dog tired and because I couldn't really do much for her other than nurse her. She hated the nose suction thingy ("who wouldn't?" my mom asked. she has a point.), there are no decongestant drugs available for babies—only homeopathic pills; that seem to work, but Dara hates to take them when she's half-asleep and frustrated that she can't breath. Again—who can blame her? And, because I would lay in bed, after nursing her back down, listening to her cough and think: does she have whopping cough? Does she have TB? Is she ok? Should I rush her to the emergency room? Am I a good enough mother?

But she's much better now. Her nose is still runny, but she's sleeping much better. Six hours straight! As I nursed her last night (this morning?) I thought: "Wow, I feel really rested after sleeping for 5 hours. She is so beautiful. I love nursing her, holding her close and playing with her soft hair. I hope she continues to sleep like this! Maybe then Cam will move back to the bed (whole other story...another time). But, I don't want to stop nursing her! I love holding her and comforting her at night. I don't want her to grow up! I want to hold her forever. Keep her safe and hear her sweet breath as she lays in my lap."