i guess i'm an adult now?

I'm going to be 30 three days. We're going over to my dad's house for a birthday dinner of my choosing on Thursday (my actual birth day) and on Friday night my mom is coming over to watch Dara while Cam and I go out to dinner at our new favorite, Boot & Shoe Service, then off to meet friends for drinks. A couple of years ago I probably would have been planning a huge party with printed invitations, party dresses and maybe a signature cocktail. While the thought of that party sounds great, the thought of all the planning doesn't. And, to be honest, I don't really have enough friends to fill a big party. The most important person in my life, who I want to spend an evening with without focusing on our child is Cam, my husband. I am so looking forward to celebrating both of us, as adults in our new life as 30-somethings.

I've decided that 2011 is the year I will finally accept that I am great and I can do whatever I want to. It is very hard for me to push myself professionally and creatively—to find new clients and tell them how much better off they'll be if they hire me. I don't like to convince people. It feels weird and vaguely immodest to talk about my work and how great I am. What I need is a shift in my thinking, to realize that it's not about bragging, just simply informing people. Because not everyone knows me and if they knew me, if I gave them a chance to know me, they would see how great I am and want to work with me. (Related: I recently got a new client (via my great friend Holly) who told me on the phone that she thought my portfolio was great. Great! It was the first time someone who wasn't a friend or family complimented my work and I thought to myself: "Wow, maybe they're all right. Maybe I am good.")

So, I've been thinking about turning 30 and how that's supposed to be a big marker in one's life. Becoming an adult and all that. And how it really doesn't feel like that big of a deal to me. In fact, birthday's were always super special to me because they are the one day when I can truly be a princess and accept free coffees, compliments, and other special things—because "it's my birthday". Now that my focus has shifted off of myself and onto my kid, I almost forgot about my birthday.

I am thinking about putting myself and my creativity out there more. I'm thinking about trying more, allowing myself to make mistakes more. To use comic sans if it fits the project (ok, maybe not that extreme.) Ultimately, I think it's having Dara and knowing that she looks to me as an example of womanhood that is driving me to live my life to the fullest. To love my body (tummy-roll and all). To be healthy. To love my work. To create, to make mistakes, to learn. All these things will make me a better person, make me more happy and satisfied with life and in turn—show Dara that it's all possible.

With all these things on my mind, the following posts have inspired me and been bubbling around in the back of my mind:

via Anna at Door Sixteen "See, here’s the thing: ANYTHING that gets people to be more observant of their surroundings and helps them to not be afraid to experiment with expressing themselves visually is GOOD. It’s easy for a designer to roll their eyes when a “commoner” (heh) decides to play around with type and design their own book cover."

via Joy at Oh Joy! "I understand now why people always say that it just gets better with age. A lot of that stress, anxiety, and lack of confidence about who you are and who you want to be just gets less and less."

via an email response from Jordan at Oh Happy Day! (who is living the dream and is a daily inspiration to me) "I think there is something to just creating (and working) as much as you can. Even if its not great at first. That's how you get better. I always hate 50% of the stuff I do but you have to creat it all tho get the 50% I do like."

time after time

I think about writing in this blog all the time. Really. Stuff happens and I write the post in my head, carefully choosing my adjectives and adverbs to best describe what's happening and how I feel about it and then I try to tie it all up in a neat bow of lessons learned.

Thoughts are so quick. So instant. Actually sitting down and writing? Damn it takes forever! Writing, editing, choosing photos, cropping photos, uploading... an hour later and I'm thinking: I could have just cleaned the kitchen / folded laundry / worked on freelance projects / watched another episode of Glee. Now Dara's awake and my free time is over.

My biggest struggle is with time and energy, they are entangled for me. I have so many things I want to do and don't want to do, but have to do otherwise we'd be living in squalor. It's such a cliche to say, "before kids...", but it's true! Before kids you could do for you. You don't have to stop and change a diaper, sit and feed someone lunch, hug, cuddle, play on the floor, read a book, walk around... kids need attention and attention takes time and energy. Time and energy away from everything else. So slowly, so you have to prioritize what's most important and for me—that's cleaning up dirty dishes, folding laundry and putting all our crap back in its place. After that comes any work commitments I've made. After that comes a choice: mindless relaxation or crafting (sewing, fun personal design stuff, photo books, etc.) Usually the TV wins, if I haven't passed out on the couch already.

Of course I love playing with, hugging, feeding and generally being a mama to Dara. I LOVE IT! When I am away from her I pine for her. I look at her pictures in my phone and hear her sweet little voice in my head say, "No" (her favorite word right now.) I am also exhausted by all this love and attention giving and getting. I catch myself fantasizing about a week long staycation where someone else can take care of Dara during the day and I can really deep-clean the house, organize and pack up stuff to give away. Then move onto my long list of creative projects and actually start one! And maybe even finish a couple that have been sitting, half-completed on the shelf since 2009.

This is what parenting does to you. You fantasize about all the stuff you took for granted before your kid was in your life. I realize in a few years Dara will be old enough to play on her own, make her own snacks and won't be interested in my hugs and kisses. Then I'll be the one following her around asking to play with her. Maybe...after I clean the bathroom.

chillin in the backyard

stage two

Dara seems to have grown into a toddler overnight. That's usually how it goes around here. I don't notice that she's gearing up for a growth spurt like some of my friends (who are also parents) do. It's not like I think to myself: Dara seems to be eating more, hmm...She's napping more/less—I wonder if she'll go through a growth spurt soon? It's more like: Oh, so she's talking now and all her pants are too short. Time for mama to catch up.

She likes to identify everything. Bird! Book! Chair! She'll look at me waiting for me to acknowledge and repeat it back to her. Yes, that's a bird! Yes, that's your book! Yes, mama and Dara are sitting in chairs! It is thrilling and exhausting.

She knows how to pry off the battery cover from the remote control, Xbox controller and how to unlock my phone. She freaks out with excitement when waiting for her favorite TV show to load on Netflix (Pingu!) She knows when she's not supposed to be doing something and will usually stop if I ask her nicely. Sometimes she'll look at Cam or I while she's being naughty—as if she's waiting for us to catch her.

She likes to pick up minuscule bits of trash off the floor (grains of rice, fuzz, produce stickers...) and give it to me. I usually tell her to go throw it away and she'll walk over to the kitchen and throw it in the trash. No playing in the trash. Just throw it away. I think that's a pretty neat trick.

She has always taken two naps a day, two hours in the morning and at least and hour or two in the afternoon. Now it's more like 90min in the morning and maybe nothing in the afternoon. She continues to shut-it-down at 7:45pm every evening.

Lately she's been waking up at 5:45-6am in the morning, calling out: "Mama. Mama? Mama!" I drag myself out of my bed, into her room and she yelps: "Hi! Bo-bo?" (Her word for nursing.) If I try to put her back to sleep she cries: "No! Out dere" and points to our bedroom. Usually I don't fight it, because I know it's a loosing battle. I just hug her close and carry her back to bed with me. There she nurses, and hopefully falls back asleep under the covers, sandwiched between her mama and papa.

Both Cam and I have limited working hours right now, so all three of us are together often. Cam and I have both noticed that Dara will ask for the missing parent when they're not there. She likes all three of us together, as do we. We both realize that we're incredibly lucky to have had all this time to spend together. Both of us have been able to enjoy her infancy and early toddlerhood with her. When I was first pregnant I hated the idea of sending her to daycare as a little baby and I am so happy we've been able to nurture her this way. I know it's not right for everyone, but it's felt so right for us. We're a close knit gang.

friday

New power ring, handsome husband. (I'm wearing my wedding band on my middle-finger because I have a weird rash on my ring finger...boo.)